“Through these difficulties, my friends became a refuge from the storm. Audrey was normally someone who interacted with my adult parts and rarely saw the terrified children within me, but on one occasion she saw enough to trouble her in a memorable way.
      “After greeting me at her front door, we had entered some French doors to a small ‘drawing room’ where we sat on her couch to talk. It soon became obvious to her that talking in an adult manner was not something I needed at that moment. She had her arm around me and it was then that I started to shake. She felt me shudder over and over again as my whole body relived the horror of cult abuse. Heartbroken child parts of me, in their little voices, described what was happening to them as if the events were happening in the room at that moment. This went on for quite some time and as my trembling subsided, an adult part of me came back to interact with Audrey. I said, ‘Oh, thank you so much for doing this for me.’”
      “She was struck with the overwhelming intensity of the experience, saying, ‘I'll never forget this for as long as I live. Hell is too good for them for what they did to you!’ Audrey later told me, “Every time I heard your memories, I thought of this scripture, 'But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.'" (Matthew 18:6) (My Tears Fall Inside, page 151-152)

      There are no words adequate enough to describe the blaring contrast between the evil people who had caused the horrors I was reliving and the remarkable friends who reached out to comfort me. I was literally experiencing an incredible black / white dichotomy at exactly the same time—both the Heaven and the hell. For me and for those who helped bear my burdens, it was an experience that changed us each forever. 

      “In May, my husband moved into his own apartment. What a relief! . .
      “By June and July, my relief had turned to an increased anxiety. I came face to face with a rather interesting ‘double bind.’ My home situation felt more ‘safe’ without my husband there, thus my child parts felt freer to open up and express their horrors. What a two-edged sword!  If I somehow felt more comfortable in my home, I must suffer the pain of child parts who took advantage of this safety to re-experience their traumas and to express themselves more freely. . .
      “July 20, 1993 transcribed excerpts from a taped therapy session:

      “. . . (Suddenly I sound like a young terrified child. My voice is high and scared.). . .
      “I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid. (I start to sob.) I thought I was a strong person. I can’t do this! This is so hard for me. I don’t know what to do cuz I don’t know how to fix it. 
      “I want it to go away. (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.) It’s too hard. I can’t do it. I want to be a good person but I don’t know. . .
      “It won’t stay away anymore. I don’t want it to come back. I don’t wanna be me. I don’t wanna do it. I can’t do it! I want to just die or go away! I’m tired. I’m tired of doing this. It’s so hard and so long and there’s so much and I don’t want to hurt so much anymore!!!  (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing)
      “It hurts so much! It feels like I just die inside—all the way through. It hurts so deep inside. Just pain!!!  I hate to be me! . . .  (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing)
      “I can’t face it! Why do I have to know so much pain!!! I don’t want it to be real! It feels like a drill drilling through me—all the way through my core.  (Sobbing, sobbing)” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 149-151)

      It is important to note that although the pain was often more than I felt I could bear, I did get through it, thanks to God and to the wonderful people He sent into my life to comfort me and nurture the many child parts within. There are happy endings. My life eventually became full of happiness and peace. If you are going through a painful time in your life, please know that trials don’t last forever—even though sometimes it feels that way. Life can and will get better for you!

     “Shortly after Easter, I had a significant discussion with Linda. One could only imagine what a daughter might be feeling about her mother spending so much time mothering a neighbor. I mentioned to her something about how her mom loved me, and I was amazed that she agreed. Then, I did what I was in the habit of doing, I sought further reassurance. 
     "‘Linda, do you think it is really and truly the truth that she does love me?’"
     "‘I do think that's the truth, Shawna. I know my mom's heart and I know that she loves you.’" 
     “I was extremely happy to hear this second witness about Dixie's love. Then I pondered for a minute and a new thought entered my mind. ‘Is it okay with you that your mom loves me?’" 
     “She replied, ‘Why wouldn't it be okay with me? Of course it's okay with me.’”
     "‘Because she is your mom, and not mine.’"
     “Linda went on to say that she didn't believe love comes in a bottle, with only so much to go around. She told me that it would be okay if her mom loved me even if she didn't love her. 
     “I was surprised by that statement and said, ‘But she does love you!’"
     "‘I know my mom loves me but I 'm just saying it would be okay for her to love you no matter what. . .’" (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 148-149)

     My idea that love had limits and that there was only so much to go around was proof, once again, that I really didn’t comprehend what genuine love was. The only kind of “love” that I understood was conditional—not realizing that “conditional love” isn’t really love at all. Even though I now had people in my life who truly loved me unselfishly, I didn’t completely trust that love. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop any second and for the “love” to disappear if I did not behave in whatever way was expected. How awesome it is when we develop and increase our capacity to love others unconditionally.

      “Over the next few days I found that I was switching a great deal. One minute I would be laughing and the next instant I would hang my head, cry a little, and hide my face in embarrassment. I was a bundle of inconsistencies. On one hand, I had difficulty feeling love. On the other hand, I was concerned because I loved too much. 
      “Many who have multiple personalities are not ‘co-conscious,’ which means that each personality has little or no knowledge of the other personalities. In these people, any particular personality only has a ‘time share’ perspective on the world.  In my situation, however, I was able to be co-conscious most of the time. Because of this, I was able to recognize these switches (often, but not always) even though I couldn't seem to control them or make them go away. With all of this going through one brain, it is no wonder I felt crazy much of the time.
      “I started to consider scenarios that might happen. One of the scenarios I considered was what would happen if Dixie were to leave. I simply could not imagine myself surviving that possibility. My mind kept going back to the ‘love’ I experienced with Tony, the sexually abusive hired hand of my childhood. I truly thought he loved me, and I remembered how painful it had been when he left. Because I had been so starved for love in my childhood, his departure left a gaping hole in my heart and I had created some personality parts to deal with the trauma of that loss. Those parts were warning me not to put myself in a position where I might be hurt again.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 147-148)

      There is a difference between loving someone intensely and in needing them desperately, but to a young child, they are one and the same thing. When a caretaker leaves a young child for a long period of time—no matter what the reason—that child suffers from feelings of abandonment. Children always feel that they are in control of their world, so when someone they need leaves them, they naturally assume it was because of something they did or didn’t do. It is very important that we try to help young children learn that when bad things happen, it is NOT their fault.

      "That same evening I had gone to Dixie's home and had asked her if she could talk to Sherry. Sherry was the one who was still hurting the most from the loss of our friend, Louise. Sherry was so sad; I just wanted Dixie to talk to her. As soon as Sherry came out, chewing her left pointing finger and showing Dixie how sad she was, Deb popped out and wouldn't let this encounter continue between Dixie and Sherry. Deb was the 12-year-old who was concerned with appearing ‘normal,’ and was a person whom the younger child parts respected. Deb thought it was just plain stupid that a child part would be allowed to hurt so much. According to her, if you can ‘switch’ like she does, then it doesn't make sense to keep a hurting child from switching out. As soon as Deb arrived, Sherry and her sadness disappeared, but not before Dixie and I learned some things about what Sherry was going through. 
      “We were able to figure out that Sherry was trying to become almost non-existent due to her intense grief over Louise. She would say, ‘If Louise doesn't believe in me, then I just won't exist.’ Sherry still existed, but was so withdrawn and hidden away that it was often difficult to know that she was still around. In the short time that Sherry talked to Dixie that day, she talked about her fear of love. 
      "‘If you let someone love you, then they'll hurt you,’ was Sherry's mantra. Sherry was becoming a hidden, very difficult part of me who was making it even more challenging to feel the love of my friends.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 146-146)   

      Deb was trying to rescue Sherry by pulling her away from her sadness. Unfortunately, that meant that Sherry’s sadness stayed locked inside. In just that same way, if we don’t allow others to feel the sadness they need to feel, it also stays trapped inside of them and prevents the person from healing. Sometimes we can’t handle another person’s sadness because it resonates too closely with our own and if we can’t cope with our own feelings, we try to pull others away from theirs as well. Although it is very tempting to rescue others from their negative feelings, it isn’t always the best thing for them. 

      “Originally, when I had started getting to know Dixie, our visits were at my home. . .
      “As my child parts became more comfortable with ‘Dixie Mom,’ I started to visit her at her house. There, I felt more comfortable in letting myself be whoever I needed to be. At home, I was the mom of the house, but at Dixie's home, I could be her child. I would walk up the street to her modest home; take a few steps down into her living room, and we would sit on her cream colored couch across from the fireplace. There, I allowed my child parts to open up to this wonderful woman. . .
      “As Easter 1993 approached, I was especially troubled. I went to Dixie's home after my counseling group one night and we did a lot of laughing and I did a little crying. I really wanted to ‘split’ again (forming a new personality part) because the pain was too great, but I also knew I should not do that. So my next thought was to deal with the pain in another way.
      "‘Dixie, I just have to run away! I want to run away from Easter.’ The days surrounding Easter were times of intense ritual activity on the satanic calendar. I had thought about running away to Arizona, but then the absurdity of the thought struck me and I had to laugh.
      "‘Well, I guess that wouldn't do much good. They have Easter in Arizona, don't they?' We both laughed. I knew that Dixie enjoyed interacting with my child parts a lot. I felt a very deep connection to her and loved her with all my heart. . .
      “On Easter evening, I was walking across the yard when I suddenly doubled over in pain and couldn't walk. . . The pain came and went for several hours. I believe these were body memories, as the tissues of my body were able to ‘remember’ some of the horrible things that had occurred around that time in previous years.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 144-146)

      As painful as it was to experience, body memories were more proof that the memories coming back to my conscious mind were real. Denial was the easy road, but the physical pain which accompanied the memories was impossible to fabricate. It was incredibly real.

      “As the new year (1993) started, I was finally able to reason with myself that maybe there really were people who loved me. But feeling that love was an entirely different thing, and consequently it was still difficult for me to allow the ‘team’ deep into my heart.
      “During this time period, I was able to see something that really impressed me and gave further evidence that I was loved. One of my team members, Sarah, loved me enough to be okay with her children seeing me in a very vulnerable state. To me, the message was, ‘Shawna, I love you and trust you. You are not crazy and you are a valuable part of my family.’ 
     “My journal described what happened that January:

            “I went to Sarah’s house. She is always so nice to me. She could tell I wasn’t doing too good, right off. I started crying and then I’d stop for a few seconds and then I’d start again. She said she was sorry I was sad but she knew I needed to cry. One time she smiled at me and then put her hand into a fist and said, ‘Yes! You’re crying!’ We both started to laugh, but then I cried a little more. I told her I was embarrassed to cry around her kids [Sarah has 7 children and all of them were still home] but she said it’s good for them to see me cry because she has told them that I have some hard things and that I’m sad, and this will help them to know it’s true. I stayed at Sarah’s about 3 hours.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 143-144)

      My childhood abuse had been so extreme, that some of the little child parts within me had learned to fear the word “love” since it was sometimes used in conjunction with horrifying experiences. It was heartbreaking for my support team to realize that these very real little children had no conception of actual love, but only of terrifying counterfeits.
      Thankfully, Dixie, Sarah and others showed consistent love and kindness to these little children and they eventually learned that love was safe and soft.

      “By October, I was still struggling and working hard to allow the emotions to come out, especially the emotions held by the traumatized children within me. I did a lot of rapid ‘switching,’ which meant that I was going from one personality to another:

      ‘After group therapy [last night] I went to Dixie’s and stayed until about 1 a.m. During that three hours I probably switched about 100 times. The sadness would wash over me in waves and then after five minutes or less I would switch out of it and come up with something funny. Mostly I was a terrified five year old. Dixie would just hold me and even when she said the word ‘love’ I would jolt out of fear. . .  It was this little child part that had never known ‘safe love’ that made Dixie cry. It seemed impossible to let the love go inside of me. . .’

      “1992 was the year I was able to let myself settle into a little more trust in my team. I wrote this journal entry in April:  

      ‘I stopped by Dixie’s around 9:30 p.m. or so. I was feeling so little. I curled up in a tight ball and put my head on her lap and shook and cried a little—and chewed on my hand (like Sherry when she’s afraid) and talked. Anyway, at Dixie’s I was switching [from one part of my personality to another] like crazy. When it gets really bad the comedian comes out and starts making wise cracks to get me away from it and then I started hurting because I should really be crying. I was a real mess. I’m so glad Dixie can hug me and love me.’ 

      “Often, when I was feeling ‘little,’ or in other words when the child parts of me were coming to the forefront, I would spend a great deal of time with ‘Dixie Mom.’ She would put a pillow on her lap and allow me to put my head on it while she just stroked my hair. For a very long time I couldn't cry, even when I was in such a safe environment. My voice would become ‘small’ and childlike, and I would talk about whatever the particular child part was concerned with. It was only much later that I was actually able to cry.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 142-143)

     “And if I thought being numb was so bad, how about the opposite? When the opposite of being numb is feeling, and when those feelings are described as ‘jagged pieces,’ what are my options?

“HEARTS
(By Morticia - 1991)
 
“My heart aches
I’ve gone inside to check and
something is wrong.
 
“If two hearts can be one,
can one heart be two?
 
“My jagged pieces of a heart
push out at the hammer to
stop beating them.
                                                                                      
“But it pounds oblivious to the
raw jagged edges.
 
“Are the drops that fall from within
blood or unshed tears?
 
“My heart aches.

     “Throughout 1991, my ‘team’ of Christian friends was beginning to take shape. As I gained trust in them, I was eventually able to allow them to help me overcome my numbness. When the ‘jagged pieces’ of my heart could be soothed by the loving embrace of a true friend, I could afford to let go of my tight hold on those painful emotions. Also, when my self-sacrificing friends showed their love in countless ways, a door was left open to begin to consider the possibility that maybe someone could love me.
     “In September of 1991, I was interacting daily and sometimes multiple times each day with various team members. Feeling upset that I was in constant need of support, I talked to Sarah about my concerns. In this journal entry, she offers a very profound and loving answer that might be of interest to anyone considering becoming a support to someone in need:
     “I talked with Sarah and when I told her how maybe it’s not fair that I need her help to carry my burdens, she said, ‘But they are not just your burdens, but the burdens of the world and it is mankind’s problem—not just yours. . . We really are brothers and sisters here and it is all our problem to fix.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 140-141)

     Sarah profoundly said it all!

     “As the battle raged on, I started to see a familiar enemy at every turn - numbness. This clever enemy momentarily appeared as a comforting, life-saving respite from the heat of battle. In the middle of the earlier battle, the one during my abuse, numbness was my savior. It was the cavalry that saved me to fight another day and it was what allowed me to stay in my marriage. It was difficult to come into this new battle (healing) knowing that I could not retreat into numbness without losing the war.
     “Numb Nancy continued to be a presence on my battlefield. She was only doing her job when she would stand ready, at a moment's notice, to blanket my emotions with a numbing ‘fog.’ Once this fog covered my world, I was unable to face any of the difficult emotions of my past or present:  

“ONCE
(By Numb Nancy as an adult - 1991)
 
“Where once was sadness
there is nothing
 
“Where once was gladness
there is nothing
 
“Where once was excitement
there is nothing
 
“Where once was pain
there is nothing
 
“Where once was despair
there is nothing
 
“nothing”

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 139-140)

     Although feeling nothing seemed like an easier way to cope with my life, it interfered with my healing and could actually be dangerous. Humans have emotions for very important reasons. The ability to feel emotions helps us examine the circumstances we find ourselves in and influences our responses. For example, when we feel fear, we can analyze what is causing that emotion and determine if we need to get out of a situation. How have your emotions helped to keep you emotionally or physically safe?