“In October of that year, what I feared the most was about to happen. Dixie and Guy told me they were planning to go on an 18 month church mission. In November, they received a ‘mission call’ and would be leaving for Tonga the following January. Life as I knew it had come to a halt.
      “In despair, I thought, ‘Why, when I am finally allowing another person into my life and into my heart - why must we now be separated? Can I really survive this?’ My child parts had a lot to say about this situation in these excerpts from the 1993 writing, ‘October Spring:’

I NEED you!!
I’m all opened up inside.
I don’t have any armor on anymore
and there isn’t any way to keep me safe
if you go away.
I’m so sad!
I’m so tired of sad!
I’m so tired of hard!
 
If you aren’t talking to twenty little kids,
all sad and hurting and different ages,
who all try to talk at the same time,
but out of the same mouth--
and every sentence comes from somebody else
and you have to answer a thousand questions
a hundred times each--
because each one has to know.
 
If you aren’t here,
how can you remember all of us?
Can you remember the ones who hide
or the ones who are so little?
Or the ones who are still so scared
that they only say little things here and there,
and they sneak it in between something else,
cuz they are afraid to get noticed?
 
And I am saddest of all!
Cuz I tried so hard to keep everybody safe
and I can’t keep everybody inside anymore,
and I’m so scared
because these little kids might get hurt again.
Please help me!
Its too big of a job for me now.
I can’t do it alone anymore!
 
Most kids finally felt safe enough to talk.
Now all the sad is so big
and everyone wants to talk all the time,
and I can’t keep it straight anymore!
I can’t keep in one subject for long,
And we feel all mixed up
And we don’t trust how we feel,
And where are you?!?

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 156-158)

      “For the rest of 1993, I was so ‘safe’ in my home that I was miserable. Feeling ‘safe’ at home brought on such misery that I was at the end of my rope and hanging by a thread. Dixie and Audrey noticed that I seemed to be unaware of certain time segments in my life (as described in the example below), or that I wasn't able to be as ‘co-conscious’ as was ‘normal’ for me. I was less able to maintain control of my various parts, and this was all definitely having an effect on my life.
      “The husband of one of my good friends came to visit me from England. He apparently told me a long story about how his wife's brother-in-law had died. This would have been an important story to me because my friend had often talked about her sister and brother-in-law. I practically felt like I knew them.
      “A couple of days later, he was visiting me again and we were at Dixie's house. He told Dixie about this same death and I was totally shocked. ‘What? Milford died?’ He proceeded to tell us a long story about it and said that he had already told this story to me a few days earlier. I had absolutely no recollection of having heard the story.
      “I mentioned this incident to one of my daughters who said, ‘Mom, it happens all of the time.’ She told me that she constantly tells me things that she has told me over and over again, but that I don't seem to remember the conversations. At the dinner table a few nights later, I was talking to another daughter about having parts, and she asked, ‘Is that why you can't ever remember the things we tell you, because somebody else hears it?’”

      The interesting thing about forgetting or losing periods of time or conversations is that I was totally unaware of the problem. The forgetting was so complete, I wasn’t even cognizant that there were any holes in my daily conversations. In a strange way, however, this lack of being co-conscious meant that different parts were getting closer to the surface and becoming a part of my life. This was a necessary step in order for those parts to eventually be able to heal.

      The intensity of the torture I suffered as a child created an equally desperate neediness. The following poem from My Tears Fall Inside, pages 152-155 shares a taste of that contrast as well as the type of people that were courageous enough to become involved.

MOTHER EARTH AND ME
 
It is a grey cloudy heavy day.
I hike the desert hills
to reach the lone wild olive tree overlooking the valley.
It sits on the east side of a hill near the crest.
As I walk I pick pieces of strong pungent sage.
I also cling to one white desert primrose.
The primroses are looking limp and weaker now.
They crave the moisture of a new rainfall.
 
I reach my Gethsemane companion
and sit beneath its grey green branches
beside a dead sagebrush.
Carefully I place the small white rose
in the fork of a dead branch.
Beneath the grey brown deadness on the ground,
I place the handful of green sage.
I find there last year’s bundles of dead grass.
 
As I sit here alone with mother earth,
my whole body curls tightly in a ball,
like the clenched fist
that clings to the agony of the sage.
I feel the pain of the earth consciousness
and the wind mourns out her sorrowful cries.
Surely she can comprehend my pain
And my agony is hers.
 
OH if only the world of people
could feel the pain of this one lone child,
it would weep and weep and weep endlessly
with her!
The agony is so massive,
surely only mother earth
who witnessed all this horror
can weep and wrench out sobs with me!
 
I hurt!
I hurt!
I hurt!
I hurt!
I can’t stand the pain anymore!
I hate being me!
Please let me die!
Take me away!
 
I’m so tired of pain!
I can’t bear any more!
OH God help me!
I sob and sob and sob.
The pain drills through the very core of me.
It goes all the way to the center of the earth’s core
and combines with the agony
she has witnessed through the centuries.
 
My mind is tormented and confused.
The emotional trauma inside
screams to be released!
My entire body hurts
with the huge pain trapped inside.
My chest hurts,
my stomach, head, arms and legs ache.
I am in pain.
 
The pain is trapped between millions of cells
and is stored as huge energy forces
but it causes intense pain.
As I sob and sob and sob,
even my fingers are tingling in pain.
The massive negative energy
tries hard to escape my body
before the pain causes illness again.
 
Perhaps with each tear that falls,
there really is a permanent release,
however miniscule when compared to the whole mass.
As I let the tears come
and the wracking sobs escape my heart and soul,
will the gaping hole filled with the agony within me
find room to accept even a particle of love?
Oh let it be so!
 
I feel like the grey brown dead sagebrush.
I look to you to place within my dead branches
the small white desert primrose.
The agony of the sage sits on the ground
beside my bundles of dead grass filled with pain.
I sit in the shade of the wild olive tree,
my Gethsemane companion,
and with Mother Earth I mourn out my sorrowful cries.
 
OH hear my cries and find me!
Teach me that you are safe
so the warmth of your love won’t frighten me so much.
If we wish to find the warmth of the Son,
we must run to the olive tree,
And we will find Him there
beneath its branches bearing the burdens
of those willing to hurt with Him.
 
He teaches us that people are not “in the way.”
He teaches us that people ARE the way!
Please help me release the pain and agony inside
in the warmth and safety of your love!
Please help me bear my burdens!
I can’t carry them alone!
Oh God please comfort my friend earth and me,
in the warmth of the love of those courageous enough to become involved!

      Romans 8:17 - “And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with Him, that we may be also glorified together.”

      “Through these difficulties, my friends became a refuge from the storm. Audrey was normally someone who interacted with my adult parts and rarely saw the terrified children within me, but on one occasion she saw enough to trouble her in a memorable way.
      “After greeting me at her front door, we had entered some French doors to a small ‘drawing room’ where we sat on her couch to talk. It soon became obvious to her that talking in an adult manner was not something I needed at that moment. She had her arm around me and it was then that I started to shake. She felt me shudder over and over again as my whole body relived the horror of cult abuse. Heartbroken child parts of me, in their little voices, described what was happening to them as if the events were happening in the room at that moment. This went on for quite some time and as my trembling subsided, an adult part of me came back to interact with Audrey. I said, ‘Oh, thank you so much for doing this for me.’”
      “She was struck with the overwhelming intensity of the experience, saying, ‘I'll never forget this for as long as I live. Hell is too good for them for what they did to you!’ Audrey later told me, “Every time I heard your memories, I thought of this scripture, 'But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.'" (Matthew 18:6) (My Tears Fall Inside, page 151-152)

      There are no words adequate enough to describe the blaring contrast between the evil people who had caused the horrors I was reliving and the remarkable friends who reached out to comfort me. I was literally experiencing an incredible black / white dichotomy at exactly the same time—both the Heaven and the hell. For me and for those who helped bear my burdens, it was an experience that changed us each forever. 

      “In May, my husband moved into his own apartment. What a relief! . .
      “By June and July, my relief had turned to an increased anxiety. I came face to face with a rather interesting ‘double bind.’ My home situation felt more ‘safe’ without my husband there, thus my child parts felt freer to open up and express their horrors. What a two-edged sword!  If I somehow felt more comfortable in my home, I must suffer the pain of child parts who took advantage of this safety to re-experience their traumas and to express themselves more freely. . .
      “July 20, 1993 transcribed excerpts from a taped therapy session:

      “. . . (Suddenly I sound like a young terrified child. My voice is high and scared.). . .
      “I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid. (I start to sob.) I thought I was a strong person. I can’t do this! This is so hard for me. I don’t know what to do cuz I don’t know how to fix it. 
      “I want it to go away. (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.) It’s too hard. I can’t do it. I want to be a good person but I don’t know. . .
      “It won’t stay away anymore. I don’t want it to come back. I don’t wanna be me. I don’t wanna do it. I can’t do it! I want to just die or go away! I’m tired. I’m tired of doing this. It’s so hard and so long and there’s so much and I don’t want to hurt so much anymore!!!  (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing)
      “It hurts so much! It feels like I just die inside—all the way through. It hurts so deep inside. Just pain!!!  I hate to be me! . . .  (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing)
      “I can’t face it! Why do I have to know so much pain!!! I don’t want it to be real! It feels like a drill drilling through me—all the way through my core.  (Sobbing, sobbing)” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 149-151)

      It is important to note that although the pain was often more than I felt I could bear, I did get through it, thanks to God and to the wonderful people He sent into my life to comfort me and nurture the many child parts within. There are happy endings. My life eventually became full of happiness and peace. If you are going through a painful time in your life, please know that trials don’t last forever—even though sometimes it feels that way. Life can and will get better for you!

     “Shortly after Easter, I had a significant discussion with Linda. One could only imagine what a daughter might be feeling about her mother spending so much time mothering a neighbor. I mentioned to her something about how her mom loved me, and I was amazed that she agreed. Then, I did what I was in the habit of doing, I sought further reassurance. 
     "‘Linda, do you think it is really and truly the truth that she does love me?’"
     "‘I do think that's the truth, Shawna. I know my mom's heart and I know that she loves you.’" 
     “I was extremely happy to hear this second witness about Dixie's love. Then I pondered for a minute and a new thought entered my mind. ‘Is it okay with you that your mom loves me?’" 
     “She replied, ‘Why wouldn't it be okay with me? Of course it's okay with me.’”
     "‘Because she is your mom, and not mine.’"
     “Linda went on to say that she didn't believe love comes in a bottle, with only so much to go around. She told me that it would be okay if her mom loved me even if she didn't love her. 
     “I was surprised by that statement and said, ‘But she does love you!’"
     "‘I know my mom loves me but I 'm just saying it would be okay for her to love you no matter what. . .’" (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 148-149)

     My idea that love had limits and that there was only so much to go around was proof, once again, that I really didn’t comprehend what genuine love was. The only kind of “love” that I understood was conditional—not realizing that “conditional love” isn’t really love at all. Even though I now had people in my life who truly loved me unselfishly, I didn’t completely trust that love. I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop any second and for the “love” to disappear if I did not behave in whatever way was expected. How awesome it is when we develop and increase our capacity to love others unconditionally.

      “Over the next few days I found that I was switching a great deal. One minute I would be laughing and the next instant I would hang my head, cry a little, and hide my face in embarrassment. I was a bundle of inconsistencies. On one hand, I had difficulty feeling love. On the other hand, I was concerned because I loved too much. 
      “Many who have multiple personalities are not ‘co-conscious,’ which means that each personality has little or no knowledge of the other personalities. In these people, any particular personality only has a ‘time share’ perspective on the world.  In my situation, however, I was able to be co-conscious most of the time. Because of this, I was able to recognize these switches (often, but not always) even though I couldn't seem to control them or make them go away. With all of this going through one brain, it is no wonder I felt crazy much of the time.
      “I started to consider scenarios that might happen. One of the scenarios I considered was what would happen if Dixie were to leave. I simply could not imagine myself surviving that possibility. My mind kept going back to the ‘love’ I experienced with Tony, the sexually abusive hired hand of my childhood. I truly thought he loved me, and I remembered how painful it had been when he left. Because I had been so starved for love in my childhood, his departure left a gaping hole in my heart and I had created some personality parts to deal with the trauma of that loss. Those parts were warning me not to put myself in a position where I might be hurt again.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 147-148)

      There is a difference between loving someone intensely and in needing them desperately, but to a young child, they are one and the same thing. When a caretaker leaves a young child for a long period of time—no matter what the reason—that child suffers from feelings of abandonment. Children always feel that they are in control of their world, so when someone they need leaves them, they naturally assume it was because of something they did or didn’t do. It is very important that we try to help young children learn that when bad things happen, it is NOT their fault.

      "That same evening I had gone to Dixie's home and had asked her if she could talk to Sherry. Sherry was the one who was still hurting the most from the loss of our friend, Louise. Sherry was so sad; I just wanted Dixie to talk to her. As soon as Sherry came out, chewing her left pointing finger and showing Dixie how sad she was, Deb popped out and wouldn't let this encounter continue between Dixie and Sherry. Deb was the 12-year-old who was concerned with appearing ‘normal,’ and was a person whom the younger child parts respected. Deb thought it was just plain stupid that a child part would be allowed to hurt so much. According to her, if you can ‘switch’ like she does, then it doesn't make sense to keep a hurting child from switching out. As soon as Deb arrived, Sherry and her sadness disappeared, but not before Dixie and I learned some things about what Sherry was going through. 
      “We were able to figure out that Sherry was trying to become almost non-existent due to her intense grief over Louise. She would say, ‘If Louise doesn't believe in me, then I just won't exist.’ Sherry still existed, but was so withdrawn and hidden away that it was often difficult to know that she was still around. In the short time that Sherry talked to Dixie that day, she talked about her fear of love. 
      "‘If you let someone love you, then they'll hurt you,’ was Sherry's mantra. Sherry was becoming a hidden, very difficult part of me who was making it even more challenging to feel the love of my friends.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 146-146)   

      Deb was trying to rescue Sherry by pulling her away from her sadness. Unfortunately, that meant that Sherry’s sadness stayed locked inside. In just that same way, if we don’t allow others to feel the sadness they need to feel, it also stays trapped inside of them and prevents the person from healing. Sometimes we can’t handle another person’s sadness because it resonates too closely with our own and if we can’t cope with our own feelings, we try to pull others away from theirs as well. Although it is very tempting to rescue others from their negative feelings, it isn’t always the best thing for them. 

      “Originally, when I had started getting to know Dixie, our visits were at my home. . .
      “As my child parts became more comfortable with ‘Dixie Mom,’ I started to visit her at her house. There, I felt more comfortable in letting myself be whoever I needed to be. At home, I was the mom of the house, but at Dixie's home, I could be her child. I would walk up the street to her modest home; take a few steps down into her living room, and we would sit on her cream colored couch across from the fireplace. There, I allowed my child parts to open up to this wonderful woman. . .
      “As Easter 1993 approached, I was especially troubled. I went to Dixie's home after my counseling group one night and we did a lot of laughing and I did a little crying. I really wanted to ‘split’ again (forming a new personality part) because the pain was too great, but I also knew I should not do that. So my next thought was to deal with the pain in another way.
      "‘Dixie, I just have to run away! I want to run away from Easter.’ The days surrounding Easter were times of intense ritual activity on the satanic calendar. I had thought about running away to Arizona, but then the absurdity of the thought struck me and I had to laugh.
      "‘Well, I guess that wouldn't do much good. They have Easter in Arizona, don't they?' We both laughed. I knew that Dixie enjoyed interacting with my child parts a lot. I felt a very deep connection to her and loved her with all my heart. . .
      “On Easter evening, I was walking across the yard when I suddenly doubled over in pain and couldn't walk. . . The pain came and went for several hours. I believe these were body memories, as the tissues of my body were able to ‘remember’ some of the horrible things that had occurred around that time in previous years.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 144-146)

      As painful as it was to experience, body memories were more proof that the memories coming back to my conscious mind were real. Denial was the easy road, but the physical pain which accompanied the memories was impossible to fabricate. It was incredibly real.