“I eventually discovered that my friends would play an indispensable role in helping me release my emotions. I could not do that portion of the work with a therapist. Paying a therapist seemed to put a barrier between us when it came to releasing my emotions. The therapist's role was to help me attach my symptoms to their source memories, but when it came to the most painful and difficult process of allowing myself to feel, it fell upon an amazing assortment of friends to help me with that difficult work.
     “God created for me an unusual path to healing. I have discovered that many others who have experienced what is now commonly referred to as "Dissociative Identity Disorder," speak of the all-absorbing involvement of their therapists. My case was quite different as my therapists, though they served valiantly and professionally, were not the whole answer. In my case God inspired some of His humble, untrained followers to do an amazing work on my behalf. Even though I was horrified of "airing dirty laundry" in front of my friends and neighbors, and would never consider doing so, God had other things in mind.
     “Even though I knew that God had prepared certain "outside" people to participate in my healing, that knowledge did little to alleviate my vulnerability when it came to opening up to these friends. In my heart I just knew that I was unlovable and had no interest in having that fact confirmed by a "friend" who might reject me. My inner five-year-olds were especially troubled by the idea of sharing my pain with outsiders.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 66-67)

     I will share a poem by the five-year-olds in my next blog on Monday.

     It is very frightening to let someone into your private world, but if you are suffering, it is sometimes absolutely necessary in order to heal. If you are suffering, take a chance and reach out for help. Sometimes people will disappoint you, but many times they will surprise you with their love and acceptance. 

     “Although my inner parts seemed willing to talk about their memories during therapy sessions, there seemed to be a problem or a block in my healing process. I was totally disconnected from my feelings. No matter how traumatic the memories were, I remained completely numb, reciting a list of abuses as if I were reading a grocery list.
     “Seeing my worsening physical symptoms along with this numbness, the therapist was concerned that I would not be able to heal as long as I kept blocking all of my feelings.
     “The memories were so awful that I was afraid to let any of the feelings surface. I had blocked my emotions for so long I didn’t know how to let them come. I literally hadn’t cried for at least the previous ten years before I began therapy. My 12-year-old daughter never remembered seeing me cry.
     “I didn't know I needed help from anyone else until Lonely Laura wrote the following: (My Tears Fall Inside, page 65 and poem on page 66)

WHERE ARE YOU
By Lonely Laura

Where are you in this world full of faces?

I feel jostled to and fro among the endless people
yet I find no one.

No one to see and hear and feel with me

The emptiness inside

The tears unshed

The aching longing to find someone.

How can you, who are on top of the world
find me—here at the bottom?

I am lost and oh so alone.

Where is that shoulder?

I need to weep and yet I can’t

for there is no one.

     There were people who could have been part of my life if I had only let them into my world. If you are also suffering from loneliness and trapped emotions as I was, try being brave and give someone a chance to get to know you. 

     "Some of my parts were very strong and dominant in my life; others were not, but all of the parts functioned as my internal 'cast of characters' throughout the healing process.
     "Eventually, and with God's divine intervention, I was able to have the assistance of an external cast of characters who worked in concert with my internal characters. These 'external' people were just as amazing as my inner 'people' or parts. While my internal parts were a testament to the God-given powers of the mind, my external parts (friends) were a testament to the power of God's love, but how much can you ask of a friend? Are there limits to Christian love? I was dealing with an extremely complex mental, emotional, physical and spiritual condition that could drain the energy of people around me. Indeed, I was as needy as a small child even though I was in an adult body. Would I find anyone willing to support me in what appeared to be a bottomless pit of neediness?
     "Would I dare ask?" (My Tears Fall Inside, page 63)

     These child parts were as real as a physical child of the same age. Not only that, but these child parts were suffering extreme trauma from the affects of torture and abuse. As their memories surfaced, the child felt as if the event had just barely happened so their insecurities and fears were massive.
     In the early stages of my healing journey, I didn't trust people enough to let any of them into my world. Since I thought I was crazy, how could anyone else think differently? I also believed that everyone else had more value than I did, so I didn't want to "bother them" with my "stuff."
     There was no way I would take the risk of letting people into my world. It was only through God's intervention that people were brought into my life who could reach me. Thankfully, He had a plan.

     No matter how complicated our life is, God sees the bigger picture and if we rely on Him, He can create amazing and unusual circumstances which will facilitate us. He can touch people to reach out to us, but He can also give us courage to reach out to others. How have you seen God's hand in your own life?

     "As my therapist saw my physical distress with chest pains and ulcers, and seeing that I wouldn't or couldn't cry or get angry, he was very concerned. In desperation, he advised me to find an outlet, whether it was drawing, painting, or poetry. I chose poetry, or rather--'Writings From My Soul.' My inside parts jumped at the chance to express themselves because it was clear to me that unless I could reach in, pull out, and express the feelings and memories inside, I would literally not survive. It was truly a life or death situation." (My Tears Fall Inside, page 60)

     I decided to introduce three more personality parts to you.

     "LONELY LAURA: Lonely Laura was also created when I was five years old and then re-created to fill the role as an adult. She was hurt, sad, lonely, and really didn't believe that anyone could love her. . .
     "TINA: Tina looked only for beauty. She could be heard to say, 'I look to beauty to survive.' Tina felt if she could focus strongly enough on beauty she would be able to block out the horror.
     "Most child parts split off when I was a child and continued as children; others grew with me into adulthood. Because my mind was so capable of making thse splits, I continued to split off parts into adulthood when dealing with the traumas of my marriage. As was already mentioned, some of these adult parts were actually 're-purposed' child parts who re-emerged as adults to take on adult issues. One adult part was:
     "MORTICIA: Morticia was an adult part in her twenties who believed she was dying of a broken heart and took on all of the broken heart chest pains that I experienced during my marriage. With Morticia, I discovered that whenever I had chest pains and would write 'Writings From My Soul,' the pain would go away.
     "Morticia wished for death and slowed down my body functions. She believed if I died, then I could be happy. . . Morticia got her name from 'mortician,' someone who takes care of dead bodies. She felt like she was dead inside.
     "It was the combination of all my 'parts' that created the sum total of my emotional world, my existence, and the forgotten realities of my childhood. My various parts experienced life differently and saw the world through different eyes. Until these parts learned to, or were allowed to express themselves, I suffered from a growing list of physical and emotional symptoms." (My Tears Fall Inside, selections from pages 58-60) 

    As promised, I will introduce you to a few more of my personality parts.

    "LOVER: Lover was created when I was five years old and received 'her' name because the hired hand, Tony, who molested me called me 'Lover' sometimes. She really believed that Tony DID love her and felt extremely sad and abandoned when he left. She was confused about love in every way. When the therapist told Lover that what Tony did to her wasn't really love, her heartbreaking answer was, 'But that means nobody loved me!'

    "PRETEND POLLY: Polly was another five-year-old. She was a very strong part, and had to be. Polly claimed that when things were too bad, they couldn't be real and were therefore just pretend. My therapist, at one point, encouraged 'her' to talk with all of the other parts of me to see what each one believed. The other parts did a good job of 'bursting her bubble,' making it harder for Polly to pretend, creating a terrible experience for Polly.

    "NUMB NANCY: Nancy, yet another five-year-old, 're-emerged' when I was an adult because of traumas I experienced as an adult. She was a very strong part and was able to make me numb to both physical and emotional trauma.

    "LITTLE ONE: My five-year-old parts included one simply called, 'Little One.' She was very confused about the role of men and women. Little One hated being a girl because she thought girls were always being 'used.' She longed to be taken care of and thought if she made me sick, then somebody would watch her more carefully and nobody could hurt her.
    "Little One was full of a lot of sad emotions and was possibly a no-name dumping ground for the emotions of other parts, including the emotions that were blocked by Numb Nancy or Pretend Polly.'" (My Tears Fall Inside, selections from pages 57-59)

    Feel free to ask me any questions or to make comments. Don't worry. I will let you know if there is any question I don't want to answer. :-)

    I promised I would begin introducing a few of my personalities, so here goes. . .

    "DEB: Deb was a twelve year old part. I believe she was created at that age because some part of my brain could sense the craziness inside and needed a way to appear normal. Twelve year olds do NOT want to be weird or different, so Deb was very teenaged in her attitudes. She was a protector of the 'child parts' within, and helped control these parts so that other people would not know that they existed. Deb taught all of the inside 'child parts' the rule that everyone needed to respond to the same name (Shawna) so that no one on the outside would find out about them. She seemed to sense that if others found out about all of the personalities, we would get locked up and everyone would know we are crazy.
    "Deb did everything she could to make us appear the same as everyone else in the world. She did her very best to keep everything inside 'under wraps.' She observed everything around her and liked to think of herself as an intellectual survivor. Deb was so effective in her role that very few people ever had a clue that I had distinctly different parts." (My Tears Fall Inside, page 56-57)

    "ANGEL: Angel was also created when I was a very young child and continued to grow up with me into adulthood. Angel loved the Lord and always wanted to do what was right. She tried and tried to be good all of the time but never felt that she was good enough to be worthy of love.
    "Angel was a major part of the core personality. She was a very dominant part during all of my teenage years and into my early married years. I once asked my husband to please call me Angel. He wouldn't do it, and now I am glad. It frightens me to think that by that time, Angel was so dominant she wanted to be called by 'her' name instead of by what everyone else called us--Shawna. Angel felt she had to be perfect to be loved or lovable." (My Tears Fall Inside, page 57)

    Meet a few other personalities in my future blogs.

    "Discovering various personality 'parts' made me feel crazy. I wished so badly that this discovery wasn't real, but my parts were becoming so obvious to me that I couldn't deny their existence.
    "I had no concept of the difficult, painful, inspiring, transforming journey that lie ahead. I would soon discover that the 'team' of parts inside of me would be the key to my healing. There is something merciful and God-sent about the mind's ability to 'split off' into parts during extreme trauma. Each part carries certain memories or emotions that would be overwhelming if let out all at once. These internal personalities served me well in holding their pain for many years.
    "The gift of dissociation, however, is a temporary gift because eventually the child matures enough to 'take back' the experiences and memories, freeing the undeveloped child within from permanently languishing in his or her traumatized world. In a sense, the healing cycle requires a mature adult who is better able to deal with the previous trauma, who can step in and 'rescue' the child parts from their abuses. In what appears to be an unusual 'quid pro quo,' the child parts who were rescuers early in life, become the rescued as the adult 'takes back' and 'owns' her memories and pain." (My Tears Fall Inside, page 56)

    I am extremely grateful to the parts of my personality who suffered so long to hold onto my memories and emotions. They were true heroes and I am grateful I got to know them. I will begin introducing a few of my 'parts' in the next few blogs, but if you can't wait to learn more about them, you can read about them in my books.
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