“There may have been signs of healing for my entire "system," but to Sherry the loss of Louise's constant attention was a definite step backward. It didn't matter that there might be some light at the end of my healing tunnel, for Sherry the damage had been done. For the two years following the Louise experience, Sherry hardly ever spoke. In fact, she rarely told anyone who she was ever again. Clearly, she felt betrayed and lost. 
     “The final blow came one day when I went to give Louise a copy of my therapy tape. I had been giving Louise these tapes of my therapy sessions so that she could understand me better. On a cold February day, I took the tape to her house. She let me know that she had not been listening to them. She then told me that she had seen a TV show that was critical of claims made by victims of ritual abuse. She now wondered what my mind was capable of making up. It felt to the parts that she quit believing in me, even though it was possible she was just thinking out loud. 
     “I was completely devastated by this discussion. I went to Dixie's house, only to find that she was quite ill. I really shouldn't have been there but I was so desperate I wasn't able to think clearly enough to make a different choice. True to form, Dixie was so kind and she reinforced that Louise was not knowledgeable about what was happening in therapy. She told me that Louise really did care about me, and suggested that I consider the possibility that maybe Louise just couldn't handle all of this. 
     “I went from Dixie's house to the hills where I laid on the ground, curled up in a ball, and sobbed and sobbed. When I couldn't sob anymore, I went to Audrey's house where I told her a short, two minute version of these recent events and she said, "Louise called me." I was shocked! Louise had never called any of my friends before to compare notes. She called worried that she had totally destroyed me.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 123-124)  

     Louise really did care for me and although she was wonderful and supportive to many people, she could not handle my memories and was therefore unable to give the support that I needed.
     Many times our challenges are overwhelming and we cannot cope with them alone. In my case, the memories, nightmares, and flashbacks were so horrific, that I was literally going through a very real personal holocaust. Thankfully, God had sent others who He made strong enough to handle my pain.  
     Who has blessed your life, when things got too much for you? 

     “Louise was the one person with whom Sherry readily responded. The fact that there was a growing separation from Louise was a difficult and very painful challenge for Sherry and other child parts because they had come to think of Louise's love as a constant in life. Several of these parts became confused by Louise's actions and wrote:

WHAT IS LOVE?
(By Sherry, Little One, Rebeckah, Angel, Deb, etc. - 1993)
 
I’m still sad,
One more time.
I’m all mixed up
And I can’t figure out how to fix it.
 
The problem is all about love.
I’m mixed up about what it is.
How can I know
When it is safe,
Or when it is scary?

I know about one kind of love.
I know about Jesus’ love.
His love is always safe.
His love is always close.
His love is always there.
 
His love is always soft.
His love is always warm.
His love is always waiting
Just for me.
His love is all the way full.
 
But I don’t understand,
Not one bit,
About other kinds of love.
If it doesn’t feel like His love,
Then it’s always very scary to me.
 
Am I just stupid
Cuz I don’t understand
Different kinds of love?
I want to be smart.
I want to understand but I don’t.
 
To me it seems like there is only love
Like His,
Or else there is hate.
I know about hate, too.
I don’t know about stuff in between.
 
When I get fixed
Will I know about love then--
Even all kinds of love?
I hope I’m not too wrecked
To get fixed some day.

 I think I am just stupid,
'cuz I should know better
than to love people,
or to think
they could ever love me!
       
I’m scared to let you know
how little I really am inside.
I’m scared if you know
how much I love you,
then you’ll want to run away, too.
 
I’m also mixed up
cuz I don’t know
how to love people
just a little bit.
When I love, I love all the way close.

How can I learn
about different kinds of love?
I don’t trust people love.
It’s still too new to me,
so I just don’t understand.

     “It is interesting to note how the trauma of feeling betrayed and "tricked" was handled. I didn't split off another part to deal with this new trauma. Quite the opposite, I was able to draw from the strength of several inner parts in order to process the pain. Several parts collaborated to write and to respond to the trauma. Only as my parts could learn to combine their strengths would I be healed from the fragmented world I was living in. And here was proof that healing was beginning to take shape. Even in the midst of this devastating loss of a relationship, there were signs of healing. They were signs that I missed at the time, but they were present nonetheless.” (My Tears Fall Inside,  pages 120-122) 

TO LOUISE
(From the Children - 1992)

I’m sad.

Is that because people hurt me?
When people hurt you
really really really bad,
then you get wrecked.

I guess it’s real hard to love
wrecked people. . .
           
We’ve been trapped inside
for years and years and years
and we can’t heal,
trapped inside.

Now we are here
all the time,
and we are still just seven
and we don’t know how to be grown up.

Sometimes we try to pretend

• to be grown-up,

but it feels funny
and we know it’s only pretend.

I’m sad and lonely
and little and scared,
but my body is too big
and so you think I’m big, too.

But I’m just not.
We want to get better
but if we stay locked up,
it won’t work.

I wish my body was little again
so it wouldn’t be so hard for you.
but it’s not
it’s big.

But all those bad things
just barely happened to us.
They don’t seem far away
and long ago.

And so I’m scared
and hurting
and sad
and lonely

And I’m that way
all the time inside--
even when we pretend
to be a grown-up.
 
We are always here
watching
afraid
hurting
 
But we hide away
because we think you might not
like us little,
so we pretend.
 
I’m so sad
and scared and lonely
and little.
Please take care of me.

     Although I had tortured child parts within that were extremely needy, all children—even healthy children—need love, attention and time. Sometimes people forget that little children have very real needs. They need to be held and talked with and listened to. They need our kindness and tenderness. The need to know that they matter to us and that we want to spend time with them. Whenever you are around a little child, let them know that they matter to you.

     “We spent more than four hours talking and driving. At some point we simply parked the car in a parking lot. She put her arm around me and reassured me saying, ‘Shawna, you have never, never been a burden. In fact, you are always a delight to talk to.’”
     “Still doubting, I asked, ‘But do you think Dixie is feeling too much burden?’ With an earnest look on her face, she said,

     "‘When I talk to Dixie, she is absolutely delighted by your child parts, Shawna. She loves their innocence, their purity, even their sadness. It is always a delight to talk to you because you never demand time. You need time but you never demand time because you are so afraid of rejection. It is a joy for us to try to meet those needs because these are terrified little children, not some person who is being demanding.’” 

     “By the time we were through, we were laughing and joking. After the episode with Louise, my separation from her was gradual but tangible. I decided it was an unhealthy relationship and as hard as it was for me, I started pulling away. The parts' great need for Louise to understand them was a great impetus for my writing, and I wrote a long, sad piece to her that I never sent. Of course, when the child parts wrote, they had no comprehension of the adult perspective that came much later. They only knew of their pain and sadness.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 115)

     It took a long time for child parts to “get over” my decision to pull away from Louise, but it was an important step in my healing. Though Louise had no intention of causing me problems, the relationship just did not work. When relationships don’t “work,” there are many things we can do to heal from our hurts. Sometimes we can write a letter to the person—that we do not send—in order to express all of our feelings. In my case, child parts wrote a long poem. I will include just a segment of that poem in my next blog. 
     What are some of the ways you have used to resolve relationship issues?

     “After coming down from my refuge in the mountains, I started to think about Audrey and Dixie. They had never acted like I was a burden to them - not even close. . .
     “I stopped by Audrey's house that evening without calling first. Audrey was a busy, involved mother with many children. Fortunately her husband was extremely supportive. . .
     “That evening, Audrey's household was full of lively children. Seeing that I was troubled, she looked around at her family and realized it would be impossible to have a heart-to-heart discussion with me there, so she suggested an alternative. 
     "‘Shawna, let's go for a ride.’"
     “When we were in the car, I told her everything that had happened with Louise, after which I drilled her with the questions that were pressing on me:
     “‘Audrey, am I too much trouble for you? Do you wish I didn't come over so much? Is this too much burden for you? I am so worried that I have become such a burden and you are too nice to tell me to go away.’
     “. . . With her hands on the steering wheel, Audrey turned to me and said, ‘Shawna, Dixie and I talk several times a week about you.’
     “I knew they had spoken to each other. . . As a general rule, Dixie dealt with my child parts and Audrey spoke to my adult parts. It dawned on me that to get a whole picture of what was happening with me, they would need to speak to each other. . .
     “Audrey went on to say: ‘Yes, Shawna. We really want what's best for you and we love you. We have never felt burdened by knowing you and being part of your life.’
     “She paused for a moment as she turned a corner onto another street. Glancing across at me she continued, ‘In fact, Shawna, we believe you've kept quiet long enough and should talk as much as you need to.’” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 113-115)

     Audrey and Dixie both knew that the road to healing involved talking about all of the things that troubled and traumatized the different parts. They also realized that until those parts were able to talk and talk and cry, they would remain in their unhealed state. However, Audrey and Dixie had also learned that the parts would only talk if they felt loved and safe.
     Just as it was true for my inside parts, it is also true for others. What a blessing we can be in the lives of others, if we can create a safe place for family and friends to be able to express the things that bother and upset them. Sometimes it takes lots of time, but eventually our loved ones will be able to talk through and work out their inside turmoil and their burdens will become lighter.

     “However, when Louise had commitments and responsibilities that required her time, or when she simply couldn't always offer the intense emotional support she felt I needed, I would become unreasonably discouraged. One day, I called her and she said she had a really big favor to ask.
     “She said: ‘Please don't use me for the next two weeks. My heart just isn't in it and I'm just not doing the job for you that I need to, but I really need to get my son ready for his two-year assignment over-seas.’
     “She went on to suggest  that I could perhaps rely more heavily on Audrey and Dixie, but  that she hated to ‘dump’ it all on those two. She talked about the possibility that, because I had been working on healing for over a year, perhaps there could be days when I wouldn't even need to call any of them. . .
     “I was devastated but I knew that she needed to be honest with me so that she wouldn't resent me. Despite my hurt, a part of me knew that I would rather have her tell me how she was feeling than hold it in and resent me more and more. Other parts of me weren't so philosophical about this turn of events. 
     “I ran to the hills where I spent a few minutes crying, but then I went totally numb and wondered if I should completely withdraw from people again. I wondered if the world would be better off without me. I then started to wonder about my other ‘friends’ and how soon they might abandon me. All my brainwashing kicked into high gear.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 112-113) 

     The intense brainwashing I underwent as a child made it impossible for me to see situations as a healthy adult would perceive them. Instead, I was re-traumatized by what felt like rejection and the child parts reaction was to completely withdraw trying to avoid the same negative response which they were certain would come from every other source. Thankfully, God helped others to reach out and reassure me that I could matter and be loved once again.
     There are so many people in pain and regardless of the source, their pain is valid. They also need reassurance that they matter and are loved. May we be sensitive to those around us and lighten their burdens with our kindness.

     “In spite of the fact that a part of me was beginning to realize how unhealthy this relationship was becoming (because of my clinginess), other parts of me, ‘Sherry’, saw it differently. Sherry thought of Louise as her hero, and was very close to her. Meanwhile, I was doing some very counter-productive things in the relationship. For instance I would call Louise, knowing that she was busy and wouldn't have time to talk. I was setting up tests for Louise that I knew she would ‘fail.’  
     “Over the next year, even though I knew things were ‘rocky’ in my relationship with Louise, I continued to hope against hope that I could somehow earn her love. This was a qualitatively different kind of relationship than with any of my other friends. No wonder! I was simultaneously trying to feel her love for me, prove myself to her, and prove that she couldn't love me - all at the same time. 
     “This relationship was not one in which I had discovered the ‘mother I never had’ (such as my relationship with Dixie), it was one in which I was actually trying to fix the ‘mother I did have.’ Somehow with Louise I had become entangled in trying to fix my relationship with my mother instead of enjoying someone who offered strengths that my mother never had. Louise was not the problem; I was. But the pain was the same any way you looked at it.
     “Throughout the fifteen months I interacted closely with Louise, I felt like I was on a roller-coaster ride.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 110-111)   

     In each of our relationships it is important to figure out which relationships are healthy and which are not. Everyone has their issues and sometimes others’ issues clash with ours. Some relationships can become very deep and intense while others are only healthy at a more moderate level. Sometimes people are actually toxic to us and we need to determine when that is the situation and distance ourselves. This does not mean the person is “bad” but just that they are not good for us. (These same people can be wonderful for someone else.) No matter which is the case, we can learn from each other and grow through our experiences.

     “One day while I was with Louise, this seven-year-old was ‘out’ and talking with her. Louise recognized that I wasn't an ‘adult’ and asked this part what her name was. The child hesitated a little bit, then said . . . ‘Sherry.’ Louise had a daughter named Sherry who was also about seven-years-old at the time. It was almost as if this part of me took on the same name in an attempt to make Louise love her. The more ‘Sherry’ interacted with Louise, the more an analytical part of me became concerned about feeling so clingy. My journal entries described my concerns:

     “Today I have been analyzing my relationship with Louise. . . . and why it is that I feel so clingy sometimes. I think it may be two things. First, I think she reminds me a lot of my own mother. She is a strong, outspoken person, and extremely busy and involved. I have always felt like my mom didn’t really have time for me. . . I think I see Louise a little in my Mom’s place, and want to see that she does have time for me. I also think there is a part that wants to prove to me that nobody can love me and that if I push Louise too far, that she will stop loving me.  So, there is a part testing her.
     “I see one more interesting aspect of this. I find myself trying to earn her love and approval. I again feel like that puts her back in the place of my own mother. My own mom—I tried to earn her love by being thoughtful and going the extra mile, and doing things for her, just to win approval and love. . . I also felt like it was my job to make sure she was happy. I think I kind of do that with Louise, too. . . .I need to be able to believe that I can be loved and that I don’t need to earn it.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 109-110)

     When a child has had issues with a parent, it is very common when that child grows up, to connect with someone who reminds them of that prominent caretaker. Usually this bond is the deepest when the subconscious is trying to fix an unhealthy care-taker relationship. The child inside somehow feels if they can fix this current unhealthy relationship, that somehow, they have then fixed their childhood.

     “Over the next twelve months, Louise got more involved in my life and we visited more and more often. At the urging of my therapist, I started to attend a support group and it would sometimes leave me feeling drained. On one occasion, I called Louise after I got out of group and asked, ‘Can I come by to get a hug?’
     “She responded enthusiastically, ‘Sure, Shawna. You can do that.’
     “When I got to her home, she offered, ‘How are you doing, Shawna?’”
     “‘Fine,’ I replied automatically.”
     "‘You don't look fine, Shawna. I can tell you're not doing well.’”
     “This surprised and frightened me. From somewhere deep inside, I let out, ‘I think I'm totally crazy, Louise.’”
     “Louise then spent time comforting me, telling me that I wasn't crazy. She knew that I was struggling with thoughts that I was bad, with the idea that people would lie to me, and in my marriage. She said, ‘Shawna, those people did lie to you. You are not crazy. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, and that your husband isn't loving you. You are easy to love, Shawna.’
     “As she tried to reassure me, I felt scared and panicky and then I started to have a flashback. Suddenly, my hands and the left side of my face went numb. In the course of the conversation, I somehow went from an adult talking about her marriage to a child re-experiencing cult abuse. I asked Louise if she thought I was making this up. She reassured me that she believed me, and that she didn't think I was making it up. At one point in the flashback I related a particularly gruesome ritual abuse memory and my whole body shook. Louise was so loving and reassuring. I especially appreciated how she seemed to want to protect me.” 
     “This experience really bonded me to Louise and I felt needier for her afterward. A seven-year-old part of me really connected with Louise and this part probably drove that neediness. In fact, this seven-year-old part was probably the one who was re-living the abuse through the flashback.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 106-107)

     Having been abused as a child in a situation where I was totally vulnerable and defenseless, and wishing so badly that someone, anyone, would save me, left a huge gaping hole in my psyche. The idea that anyone wanted to protect me drew out the terrified child within me and the desperate feelings I felt as a child returned in full force. Unfortunately, there are others besides me, who have also experienced terrible abuse and their need for love and compassion is as great as mine. What a miracle it is when Jesus inspires people to reach out to those in pain and who let His love work through them to give the comfort and love that is so desperately needed.