“From this viewpoint, I had an extremely difficult time rising above my own perspective to say, ‘Shawna, if you'll just let go of the tight control you've got on your emotions, it will move your healing process along.’ I saw no process, only that the excruciating pain that was stored inside my parts was a holocaust that made my life a living hell. My child parts had done an effective job of taking on the painful memories and emotions of my abuse, but I had extreme difficulty allowing these emotions to surface in order to heal from them. The pain of releasing the emotions triggered the survival instinct which caused the split in the first place. I was frightened, to say the least, as I considered the possibility of loosening the grip on the anger, fear, and sadness that my child parts were ready to express.
     “Only through God's eyes could I hope to see the end from the beginning, the tunnel instead of the dark room.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 91-92)

     At this point, I couldn’t see the end of the tunnel, but I trusted God to see much farther than I and I had hope that He would direct me and others (in my behalf) to lead me through the darkness of despair and into the light of hope. It was a very long and painful journey but He did not fail me. He gave me strength to bear it and comfort through the loving arms of His Christian followers. I know, through personal experience, that no matter how bleak our life may seem, God is trying to help us if we will only let Him and pay attention to the little mercy’s He sends our way. 

     “Tunnels take travelers from one place to another but someone who suddenly finds herself in the middle of a dark tunnel, seeing neither the beginning nor the end, might assume she is in a dark cave or room. She doesn't see that she is in a "journeying" place. For all she knows, this dark existence is permanent. Likewise, in the midst of my painful healing "process," it didn't appear to me as a process at all. "Process" assumes there is a journey taking place, a start and a finish. I only saw it as my world, my existence. I couldn't fathom a light at the end of my "tunnel" because I only knew what I had experienced, and what I had experienced was the "dark room" of abuse and violence. 

"I AM PLUNGING
(By Morticia - 1992)

I am plunging
into a separate world.
It is full of isolated blackness.
No one can find me
or reach me.
I am lost.

In your world
I am non-existent.
I have fallen down the hole
and there is no bottom
to this pit
of black emptiness.

My despair
seeks escape
through my body,
but even the physical pain
can’t touch the depths of my emotions.
I am incapable of being found.

The acid has eaten through
my stomach walls
and leaks into the veins
that used to carry blood
to my broken heart,
now empty of blood.
 
My heart
fills with the caustic acid
and begins to pump
furiously
through what remains
of my aching life.

I wish the acid
would quickly eat the insides
that cry out in pain,
and forever end
the misery
waiting to bleed out in expression.
 
Will the pain
ever receive full expression?
Surely the bottom is no where
to be found.
Where is the ladder of escape?
I can’t reach the first rung.”

     (My Tears Fall Inside, page 89 -91)

     Although some of my writing was deeply depressed during this time and revealed a desire for death, the actual exercise of writing down those feelings dissipated the intensity of that pain. Writing was a method of getting the trapped feelings from the inside to the outside of my body and made it possible for me to bear the remaining pain. I also found that by sharing a poem like this with a support person, a door was opened inside which then allowed me to talk about what I was feeling. These things combined to facilitate me in my healing process. 

     “Several of my inner parts combined to write a rather lengthy piece describing the emotional dilemma I suffered throughout most of my healing. The following is an excerpt:

“MELTING SNOW
(By Tina, Angel, Sherry, Deb, Laura, Little One - 1993)
 
The hills are covered once again
with a thick blanket of freshly fallen powdery snow.
The sun is shining.
The air is clear.
The snow sparkles.
 
I sit in a snow bank
next to a lacy bush.
The warmth of the sun
slowly melts the snow on the branches
and the cold air forms tiny icicles.
 
I pick up an icicle and take off my gloves.
My hands are warm
and as I hold the beautiful frozen ice,
it begins to slowly melt.
I watch the drops of water
disappear in the snow beneath me.
 
So often,
I too feel frozen,
incapable of releasing the pain inside,
frozen back in time,
 
As I hold the delicate icicle,
I understand the secret.
I need the safety of your love!
The warmth of your arms around me
slowly melts the ice inside
and finally I am capable of letting go.
 
I plead for God to quickly soften the frozen inside of me!
I know it is only in the melting hearts
that we truly become workable to Him.
Impatiently I cry
for immediate and sudden release.
 
And I suddenly remember another spring,
when the sun was too hot,
and the snow melted too fast,
and the water became a huge destructive force.

But I am so afraid of needing you!
As I break down my impenetrable walls
to let that childhood agony escape,
I become that vulnerable,
tortured child
that I was then, and I can be destroyed again!
 
No wonder I am terrified
of reaching out to you.
My ability to protect myself
has not yet been learned,
and people were my torturers,
And there was no safety then.
 
Oh please be someone safe
who knows how to love,
who knows how to be kind,
who has a melted heart,
capable of being workable,
so He can love me through you!
 
Do you have enough love,
or will it go away
before I have grown stronger?
Will your love stay
even if I need you
too much?

I’m so scared! 
Please help me! 
I don’t know how to love people safe. 
I’m too vulnerable!
I only know I need your melted heart,
the safety of your tenderness!”

(My Tears Fall Inside, page 87 -89)

     I am so thankful for those who came into my life who were capable of loving me with a pure love that came from God and His love flowed freely through those who reached out to me. We also have the privilege of blessing others’ lives with God’s love as we allow it to work through us. 

     “One of the most enduring difficulties I had to overcome in order to heal was to allow myself to cry. I had literally lost the ability to cry, and for the final ten years of my marriage, I didn't shed a tear. It felt like I didn't know how to cry but that if something got me started, the tears might never stop. The constant conflict between the desire to keep things locked up inside (and suffer intense physical pain), and the desire to simply open up and express my emotions (and risk losing control of myself in the pain), was a long-fought battle. The Lord used nature to help me fight this battle. 
     “I walked in nature during all kinds of weather and learned to appreciate the rain. Anyone who has smelled a new rain falling on dry, desert sagebrush has had a memorable experience. As expressed in this writing, rain became my teacher. It reminded me of the cleansing power of tears.

"RAIN IS HONEST
(1992)

I love the rain,
lightning and black clouds.
I love the power of thunder.
Rain makes green things grow.
Rain washes away
the filth of life.

Too much sunshine,
with no rain,
parches the land,
pretends that all is good,
sunny and beautiful,
while killing the growing things.

Life is rain,
thunder, lightning and black clouds.
Rain feels honest.
Troubles make green things grow,
and tears, like rain,
wash away the pain.

It is in the washing away
that sunshine becomes real again.
It is then that sunshine
becomes warm
and beautiful,
no longer a desert maker.

Oh rain,
drench my heart and soul.
Cleanse my insides
and wash away the pain.
Let it flood
that sunshine may become real to me.”

(My Tears Fall Inside, page 85 -87)

     Crying is healing. It is an essential way to get the sadness from the inside of us to the outside of us where it can no longer hurt us. It literally washes away the pain. Some grief is so deep that it takes a bathtub full of tears in order to let it go, but eventually the tears lessen the ache and life becomes bearable again. Tears plus time equals a significant part of the healing process. 

     “I noticed one day that I had started doing something rather mindlessly with my hands when I walked into the hills. I would sit by a bush, pick up pieces of dead grass and wrap them with a piece of green grass. I would then place these tiny bundles on the ground. I never really thought about what I was doing or what it meant, but a part of me knew. Tina, one of my parts, later wrote about what it meant to her and that is when I understood:

DEAD GRASS
(By Tina - 1992)
 
I sit alone
in the hills
and break the dry grass
into even lengths.

I take my bundle of dead grass
and tie it tightly together.
I wrap it twice
with a piece of living green grass.

I take my small package
and set it carefully on the ground.
It is difficult to see.
It blends into the grass.
 
If you are walking in the hills
and you search carefully
you will see that I was here
hiding in the grass.

Someone please notice me
and see that I was hurt.
My pain hides well like the grass,
but still it hurts.

Some pain can hide for years and years,
like my dead grass.
I’ve tied it up tightly
And set it away.

But the pain is still there
wrapped in living flesh.
Please help me find
the dead grass.

Look carefully at my pain
and care that I got hurt.
Help me cry the pain away
so that what remains can live.”

(My Tears Fall Inside, page 84 -85)

     So many people keep their pain locked within, thinking it cannot hurt them there. Unfortunately, trapped inside, the pain hurts continually and never goes away until the tears are able to flow. Sometimes we can’t unlock that sadness until a loving, empathetic person reaches out to us. I am thankful for those who God enabled to see beyond my façade of being “fine” and reached out to me until I let them into my world. 

     “My house was a 1930's-era farmhouse and barn surrounded by a small pasture, all of which was surrounded by an ever-expanding subdivision. I love creatures and would frequently take in stray raccoons, baby squirrels, baby robins, magpies, ducks, Canadian geese, stray neighbor kids, and other charming guests from the wild. There was an "open door policy" at my home. 
     “Fortunately, despite the encroaching suburbs, it was only a short walk to the mountainous foothills. I would often go for walks in the rugged, sage-brush strewn hills a short distance from my house. It was during these walks that I would find parallels between my experiences in life and the foliage around me. It was a beautiful classroom and my Creator was the teacher.
     “My healing journey was made possible by the God-given love of friends, but in reality I give full credit for my survival to the Savior and His "healing wings." My journey included a great deal of dialogue between me and my Creator. I would not have been able to trust any mortal relationships without His help. He guided me to people who could help me and He softened my damaged, untrusting heart so that I could take advantage of that help.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 83 -84)

     Taking care of wild animals and rescuing them, was very important to me. Child parts of me could totally relate to their fear of human closeness and touch. It sometimes took a long time for an animal to trust enough to allow me to help them, just as it took many weeks and months to let people close enough to reach me. It was a very long journey, but God worked with me and others in order to bring about the gradual changes.

     “As I continued to have memories of traumatic events, I would often delay telling Dixie about my painful experiences for several days because I knew it would be very difficult for her, and finally on a Saturday afternoon she would say, ‘Okay, I’m ready now. Tell me what is going on.’ I would struggle and she would encourage me because by this time, the things inside of me were also making me physically ill as well. I would then pour out my heart to Dixie. I know the Lord blessed Dixie because of her willingness to bear my burdens, and she became stronger.
     “I will never be able to put into words what it meant for me to have Dixie being willing to suffer with me. What a wonderful world it would be if all of us could become a Dixie in someone else’s life. When we allow ourselves to become emotionally involved in another person's life, we create an atmosphere in which the Lord can mold us to become what He wishes us to become.
     “Once when Dixie was out of town, she sent me a card which I think epitomizes her attitude. It said, ‘I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but I want to offer you my hand for holding, my shoulder for leaning on and my heart for listening to anything you have to say.’

“It was evident that God's hand was being revealed in the way Dixie and I met and in the way she was able to help me in my healing. God's hand was revealed in the way Audrey came into my life to help me validate what was real and what was not, and to begin to open up to people.

“As it turned out, God's hand was revealed in some other surprising ways as well.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 81)      

God reveals His hand in each of our lives though we don’t always recognize it until we look back on our lives—sometimes even years later. He is intimately aware of each of us and of each of our needs. He feels our pain and our heartaches. He feels every stretch of our tender souls and He loves us so dearly. He is aware of how our own choices and the choices of others occasionally cause us unbelievable pain. He sees the end from the beginning and He knows how each experience in our life can help to mold us into the incredible people we can become. How has God revealed His hand in your life?

     “After drilling her with more questions about her ‘rough nights,’ I discovered something that amazed and shocked me. It had been incredibly difficult for her to see me in such emotional turmoil over the emerging memories of abuse. I discovered that while I was curled up in a ball reliving my nightmares with my head on a pillow in her lap, she would be praying silently, ‘Father in Heaven, please take away some of Shawna's pain and let me bear it for her. She has had to deal with so much, if I could take on some of her burden, could You make that happen?’
     “This unusual, Christ-like prayer was answered and she would often become physically ill or troubled to the point of sleeplessness. Could anything more resemble Christ's sacrifice on the cross or in the Garden of Gethsemane? Is there a word for a ‘friend’ who would do something like this? 
     “Likewise, seeing Dixie suffer because of my pain caused me a lot of sorrow. I was dumbfounded that she would willingly take my pain into her own heart in order to help lift my burdens. I was shaken to the core and overwhelmed by her love to the point that I couldn't quite wrap my mind around it.
     “I struggled with the idea that Dixie would take my pain upon herself. I even struggled with the concept of Christ's atonement because I knew that God wanted me to cast my pains and sorrows on His son, but I knew how deep and dreadful those pains were. I didn't want to hurt Him. Likewise, I didn't want to hurt Dixie with my pain. 
     “Another issue I had with this vicarious sharing of pain was the fact that I was deeply convinced I had no value. Therefore, for someone to sacrifice so much for someone of no value simply didn't compute. I couldn't begin to comprehend it.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 80-81)     

 There are so many people in this world who feel that they don’t matter and suffer from low self esteem. Genshai is an ancient Hindi word that means to NEVER treat yourself or another person in a manner that makes one feel small. Dixie loved unconditionally and helped everyone she was near to feel important. I hope to follow her example. I hope to treat the people around me in such a way as to help them to feel my genuine concern.       

     “As time went on, Dixie spent more and more time with me. For at least two years she talked with me daily—at least for a few minutes, and usually twice a week spent two hours with me. At least one night per week Dixie visited with me from 10 p.m. to midnight and on Saturdays and Sundays she would usually spend a couple of hours with me. During the week she would make contact with me as her schedule permitted, but if she hadn’t heard from me by 11:00 p.m., she would usually call just to see if I was okay. Dixie didn’t HAVE time for me; she MADE time for me. 
     “Dixie wasn't involved in my life because of any social pressure. She had received an assignment directly from the Lord and she took that personal commandment more seriously than her assigned church duties. She never asked to be released from this assignment no matter how difficult and painful our journey together became, and it became very difficult, even to the point of nearly destroying her.     
     “On some occasions, I would go to her home in the late morning, only to discover that she was still sleeping. Her husband would answer the door and let me know that I couldn't see her because she was still asleep, that she had not slept well the previous night. Later, I asked her questions about these episodes. I asked if she had had some illness, and she simply stated that she would often have rough nights when she couldn't sleep.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 79-80)  

     Although Dixie truly felt directed by God to reach out to me and help me, her motivation was love—deep intense love both for God and for me (which included all the various personality parts of me.) As a result of that love she felt fulfillment by serving me and I never felt that I was a “project” to her. It was this intense love which also enabled me to make progress in my healing. Love is the difference between feeling joy in service or simply feeling burdened by it.
     I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Please consider sharing.