“As the new year (1993) started, I was finally able to reason with myself that maybe there really were people who loved me. But feeling that love was an entirely different thing, and consequently it was still difficult for me to allow the ‘team’ deep into my heart.
      “During this time period, I was able to see something that really impressed me and gave further evidence that I was loved. One of my team members, Sarah, loved me enough to be okay with her children seeing me in a very vulnerable state. To me, the message was, ‘Shawna, I love you and trust you. You are not crazy and you are a valuable part of my family.’ 
     “My journal described what happened that January:

            “I went to Sarah’s house. She is always so nice to me. She could tell I wasn’t doing too good, right off. I started crying and then I’d stop for a few seconds and then I’d start again. She said she was sorry I was sad but she knew I needed to cry. One time she smiled at me and then put her hand into a fist and said, ‘Yes! You’re crying!’ We both started to laugh, but then I cried a little more. I told her I was embarrassed to cry around her kids [Sarah has 7 children and all of them were still home] but she said it’s good for them to see me cry because she has told them that I have some hard things and that I’m sad, and this will help them to know it’s true. I stayed at Sarah’s about 3 hours.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 143-144)

      My childhood abuse had been so extreme, that some of the little child parts within me had learned to fear the word “love” since it was sometimes used in conjunction with horrifying experiences. It was heartbreaking for my support team to realize that these very real little children had no conception of actual love, but only of terrifying counterfeits.
      Thankfully, Dixie, Sarah and others showed consistent love and kindness to these little children and they eventually learned that love was safe and soft.

      “By October, I was still struggling and working hard to allow the emotions to come out, especially the emotions held by the traumatized children within me. I did a lot of rapid ‘switching,’ which meant that I was going from one personality to another:

      ‘After group therapy [last night] I went to Dixie’s and stayed until about 1 a.m. During that three hours I probably switched about 100 times. The sadness would wash over me in waves and then after five minutes or less I would switch out of it and come up with something funny. Mostly I was a terrified five year old. Dixie would just hold me and even when she said the word ‘love’ I would jolt out of fear. . .  It was this little child part that had never known ‘safe love’ that made Dixie cry. It seemed impossible to let the love go inside of me. . .’

      “1992 was the year I was able to let myself settle into a little more trust in my team. I wrote this journal entry in April:  

      ‘I stopped by Dixie’s around 9:30 p.m. or so. I was feeling so little. I curled up in a tight ball and put my head on her lap and shook and cried a little—and chewed on my hand (like Sherry when she’s afraid) and talked. Anyway, at Dixie’s I was switching [from one part of my personality to another] like crazy. When it gets really bad the comedian comes out and starts making wise cracks to get me away from it and then I started hurting because I should really be crying. I was a real mess. I’m so glad Dixie can hug me and love me.’ 

      “Often, when I was feeling ‘little,’ or in other words when the child parts of me were coming to the forefront, I would spend a great deal of time with ‘Dixie Mom.’ She would put a pillow on her lap and allow me to put my head on it while she just stroked my hair. For a very long time I couldn't cry, even when I was in such a safe environment. My voice would become ‘small’ and childlike, and I would talk about whatever the particular child part was concerned with. It was only much later that I was actually able to cry.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 142-143)

     “And if I thought being numb was so bad, how about the opposite? When the opposite of being numb is feeling, and when those feelings are described as ‘jagged pieces,’ what are my options?

“HEARTS
(By Morticia - 1991)
 
“My heart aches
I’ve gone inside to check and
something is wrong.
 
“If two hearts can be one,
can one heart be two?
 
“My jagged pieces of a heart
push out at the hammer to
stop beating them.
                                                                                      
“But it pounds oblivious to the
raw jagged edges.
 
“Are the drops that fall from within
blood or unshed tears?
 
“My heart aches.

     “Throughout 1991, my ‘team’ of Christian friends was beginning to take shape. As I gained trust in them, I was eventually able to allow them to help me overcome my numbness. When the ‘jagged pieces’ of my heart could be soothed by the loving embrace of a true friend, I could afford to let go of my tight hold on those painful emotions. Also, when my self-sacrificing friends showed their love in countless ways, a door was left open to begin to consider the possibility that maybe someone could love me.
     “In September of 1991, I was interacting daily and sometimes multiple times each day with various team members. Feeling upset that I was in constant need of support, I talked to Sarah about my concerns. In this journal entry, she offers a very profound and loving answer that might be of interest to anyone considering becoming a support to someone in need:
     “I talked with Sarah and when I told her how maybe it’s not fair that I need her help to carry my burdens, she said, ‘But they are not just your burdens, but the burdens of the world and it is mankind’s problem—not just yours. . . We really are brothers and sisters here and it is all our problem to fix.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 140-141)

     Sarah profoundly said it all!

     “As the battle raged on, I started to see a familiar enemy at every turn - numbness. This clever enemy momentarily appeared as a comforting, life-saving respite from the heat of battle. In the middle of the earlier battle, the one during my abuse, numbness was my savior. It was the cavalry that saved me to fight another day and it was what allowed me to stay in my marriage. It was difficult to come into this new battle (healing) knowing that I could not retreat into numbness without losing the war.
     “Numb Nancy continued to be a presence on my battlefield. She was only doing her job when she would stand ready, at a moment's notice, to blanket my emotions with a numbing ‘fog.’ Once this fog covered my world, I was unable to face any of the difficult emotions of my past or present:  

“ONCE
(By Numb Nancy as an adult - 1991)
 
“Where once was sadness
there is nothing
 
“Where once was gladness
there is nothing
 
“Where once was excitement
there is nothing
 
“Where once was pain
there is nothing
 
“Where once was despair
there is nothing
 
“nothing”

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 139-140)

     Although feeling nothing seemed like an easier way to cope with my life, it interfered with my healing and could actually be dangerous. Humans have emotions for very important reasons. The ability to feel emotions helps us examine the circumstances we find ourselves in and influences our responses. For example, when we feel fear, we can analyze what is causing that emotion and determine if we need to get out of a situation. How have your emotions helped to keep you emotionally or physically safe?

     “1991 was the year my healing process went into full swing, the year I became acquainted with Dixie, and the year I learned that Audrey was such a true soul. Near the end of that year I began to open up to friends and church leaders, not knowing that there would be painful times ahead that would test the limits of my ability to trust. That was the year I started to open up to Louise, a relationship that would be a painful learning experience for me. It was also the year I was able to recognize I had to begin talking and sharing with others in spite of the programmed conflict that was raging inside of me. But even as I recognized the need, it was a very difficult thing to do, and it was difficult every time I opened my mouth.
     “Sometimes I would sit for several hours with one of my friends before I could open up to them. As I sat, I would fight through thoughts such as, ‘If I share the horror I am remembering, it might be the last straw. Could someone still love me if they knew THIS about me?’ It was case by case, session by session, and it never got easier:  

“TELL?
(1991)
 
“My insides quiver and my hands shake
as I tell people
what happened to me.
 
“What if they don’t believe me?
What if they think it’s my fault?
What if they think I deserve it?
 
“These dark secrets have
trapped me inside
for years.
 
“I have to escape
or I’ll drown in the depths of my own fears,
unable to take a stand.
 
“Will they still love me
even after
I’ve shared my heartache?
 
“Or will they misunderstand,
thinking I do it for spite or to manipulate,
instead of to heal.”

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 137-139) 

     How many others feel the way I felt, desperately needing a listening ear, but terrified they will be misunderstood or judged?

“BAD INSIDE
(By Angel, Age 5 - 1991)
 
“Inside I feel
like I’m really
bad,
but I don’t want to be bad.
 
“I really want to be good
but I can’t ever be
really good
‘cuz of the bad.
 
“When people do bad things
to you
then you turn bad, too,
‘cuz they said I wanted to.
 
“I didn’t know
I wanted to,
but they’re grownups
so I guess they know better than me.
 
“They said if people know
about the bad me,
they won’t love me
anymore.
 
“And what if they really are
right
and I really am bad
inside?
 
“‘Cuz some things they did made me feel good,
but scared, too.
And some things I didn’t like
at all!
 
“So I try and try
all the time
to be really, really, really
good
 
“then maybe people won’t know
I’m really bad inside
and they’ll still
like me
 
“but it doesn’t work
‘cuz I know if they find out
I’m bad,
they won’t like me anymore.”

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 136-137)

     Angel truly believed there was no way she could be “good enough” to even be liked—let alone loved. She believed that love must be earned and that she would never “deserve it” no matter what she did.
     Are there children (or adults) around us who also feel that their imperfect behaviors make them unlovable?  Is our love conditional? How can we help those within our influence feel our love regardless of their behaviors?

     “Everyday life in 1991 was like being in the thick of the "battle," a nine year battle to find myself and to become whole. My journal entries and writings paint a picture of the day-to-day combat in which I was engaged. The battlefield included the territories of my disintegrating marriage, my therapy sessions, and the mine-field of my emerging memories. It was beyond my ability to cope with alone, which is why God prepared and sent people into my life. 1991 was the year I started to catch a glimpse of the warmth and endless, unconditional love God had prepared in the hearts of my neighbors and friends. 
     “As I carefully and cautiously forged therapeutic relationships with people around me, I was constantly asking the questions:
     "‘Do you think I'm bad?’" 
     "‘Do you think I'm crazy?’"
     "‘Do you hate me?’"
     “Throughout the cult abuse, cult members purposely made me feel like I was part of their evil, thus I was constantly asking whether or not people thought I was worthy of love. The reason I had to ask repeatedly was because different parts within me had to be reassured, and simply asking the question once to satisfy one part didn't cover all of the need. This issue was one that became imbedded in me very early in life as the cult incorporated it into my experience.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 135-136)

     It is important to note that it was always young child parts who thought they were bad, crazy, or hated. Those little children had become convinced through professional brainwashing that they were unlovable. It took years of kindness from others to help eradicate some of those negative beliefs in individual child parts.
     Thankfully, most people are not subject to professional brainwashing. However, everyone has heard critical comments from peers or authority figures at some time in their life. These negative comments are often believed by the recipients and affect the victim’s self-perception for many years—often into adulthood. For this reason, it is enormously important that we treat those around us with kindness, that we think about what we are going to say—before we say it—and that we try to use words which will build those around us.     

     “As damaged and conflicted as I was, however, I was still able to receive instruction from God in the form of nature and the lowliest and simplest of creatures. . . An excerpt from my 1993 writing, "Railroad Tracks and White Blooming Thistle," talks about the teaching experience:

". . . This morning I heard the cries of a kitten.
I looked out my second story window to see where the cries came from,
And up in a tree as high as my window,
Sat a little kitten.
It looked down and cried and cried--
Too frightened to move.
 
"The mother of this kitten was dead--
Hit by a car just two weeks earlier,
And although the kitten was big enough,
I felt bad as I heard its plaintive cries.
Two other mother cats heard the cries also,
And one by one they climbed the tree
To touch the kitten with their noses
And comfort her.
She was too big now for them to carry.
 
"I was touched by the mother cats.
Both of them had other kittens to care for.
Surely they were too busy
To go through the effort of climbing this tree
And comforting a non-relative.
I did not know that animal instincts
Allowed them to go beyond their physical ties
To reach out to a fellow in their species
When no natural bond had been made. . .

     “I eventually rescued the kitten, but not before I received a profound lesson about nurturing instincts and the ability to express love to a non-family member . . .   
     “In stark contradiction to my lifelong belief that I was unlovable, I was being loved by mere neighbors in such a self-sacrificing, unconditional way that it was impossible to deny. I was truly in the beginning stages of a transformation, but I was still in such pain that I failed to recognize the progress.
     “Would the balances ever level out? Would the weight of love in my life ever be enough to compensate for the pain and sorrow of years of torture, violence and sexual violation?” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 133-134)

     “When you don't believe others could love you, it is nearly impossible to understand their motivations and when you misunderstand others' motivations, it is difficult to trust them. My difficulties with trust were expressed in this writing:

“MY WORLD IS CAVING IN
(1991)
 
I’m afraid
to lean on you.
When I have trusted people
in the past
I have been hurt
or abused.
 
So I have lived my life
alone
as much as possible.
That was the only way
I could maintain control
of my world.
 
Now my world
is caving in
all around me
and I am terrified
of relying on you
and being vulnerable again.

     "I was definitely in a ‘double bind.’ The more I felt safe and comfortable in someone's love, the more frightened I was.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 132)
 
     It may seem strange that parts of me were terrified of getting close to others and of trusting their love, but my experiences fully justified those fears. It was much more than just a fear of being vulnerable. My abusers had deliberately created my distrust in others—as a way to keep the secrets—so that I would never get close enough to anyone and tell them what was happening to me. This disbelief in others’ love was extremely difficult to overcome. Thank Heavens for those wonderful friends who persisted in showing consistent, enduring love and kindness to all the various parts within me.
     Who has reached out in love and kindness to help you? Is there someone in your life who needs your consistent love?