“By October, I was still struggling and working hard to allow the emotions to come out, especially the emotions held by the traumatized children within me. I did a lot of rapid ‘switching,’ which meant that I was going from one personality to another:
‘After group therapy [last night] I went to Dixie’s and stayed until about 1 a.m. During that three hours I probably switched about 100 times. The sadness would wash over me in waves and then after five minutes or less I would switch out of it and come up with something funny. Mostly I was a terrified five year old. Dixie would just hold me and even when she said the word ‘love’ I would jolt out of fear. . . It was this little child part that had never known ‘safe love’ that made Dixie cry. It seemed impossible to let the love go inside of me. . .’
“1992 was the year I was able to let myself settle into a little more trust in my team. I wrote this journal entry in April:
‘I stopped by Dixie’s around 9:30 p.m. or so. I was feeling so little. I curled up in a tight ball and put my head on her lap and shook and cried a little—and chewed on my hand (like Sherry when she’s afraid) and talked. Anyway, at Dixie’s I was switching [from one part of my personality to another] like crazy. When it gets really bad the comedian comes out and starts making wise cracks to get me away from it and then I started hurting because I should really be crying. I was a real mess. I’m so glad Dixie can hug me and love me.’
“Often, when I was feeling ‘little,’ or in other words when the child parts of me were coming to the forefront, I would spend a great deal of time with ‘Dixie Mom.’ She would put a pillow on her lap and allow me to put my head on it while she just stroked my hair. For a very long time I couldn't cry, even when I was in such a safe environment. My voice would become ‘small’ and childlike, and I would talk about whatever the particular child part was concerned with. It was only much later that I was actually able to cry.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 142-143)
‘After group therapy [last night] I went to Dixie’s and stayed until about 1 a.m. During that three hours I probably switched about 100 times. The sadness would wash over me in waves and then after five minutes or less I would switch out of it and come up with something funny. Mostly I was a terrified five year old. Dixie would just hold me and even when she said the word ‘love’ I would jolt out of fear. . . It was this little child part that had never known ‘safe love’ that made Dixie cry. It seemed impossible to let the love go inside of me. . .’
“1992 was the year I was able to let myself settle into a little more trust in my team. I wrote this journal entry in April:
‘I stopped by Dixie’s around 9:30 p.m. or so. I was feeling so little. I curled up in a tight ball and put my head on her lap and shook and cried a little—and chewed on my hand (like Sherry when she’s afraid) and talked. Anyway, at Dixie’s I was switching [from one part of my personality to another] like crazy. When it gets really bad the comedian comes out and starts making wise cracks to get me away from it and then I started hurting because I should really be crying. I was a real mess. I’m so glad Dixie can hug me and love me.’
“Often, when I was feeling ‘little,’ or in other words when the child parts of me were coming to the forefront, I would spend a great deal of time with ‘Dixie Mom.’ She would put a pillow on her lap and allow me to put my head on it while she just stroked my hair. For a very long time I couldn't cry, even when I was in such a safe environment. My voice would become ‘small’ and childlike, and I would talk about whatever the particular child part was concerned with. It was only much later that I was actually able to cry.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 142-143)
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