“Over the next few days I found that I was switching a great deal. One minute I would be laughing and the next instant I would hang my head, cry a little, and hide my face in embarrassment. I was a bundle of inconsistencies. On one hand, I had difficulty feeling love. On the other hand, I was concerned because I loved too much.
“Many who have multiple personalities are not ‘co-conscious,’ which means that each personality has little or no knowledge of the other personalities. In these people, any particular personality only has a ‘time share’ perspective on the world. In my situation, however, I was able to be co-conscious most of the time. Because of this, I was able to recognize these switches (often, but not always) even though I couldn't seem to control them or make them go away. With all of this going through one brain, it is no wonder I felt crazy much of the time.
“I started to consider scenarios that might happen. One of the scenarios I considered was what would happen if Dixie were to leave. I simply could not imagine myself surviving that possibility. My mind kept going back to the ‘love’ I experienced with Tony, the sexually abusive hired hand of my childhood. I truly thought he loved me, and I remembered how painful it had been when he left. Because I had been so starved for love in my childhood, his departure left a gaping hole in my heart and I had created some personality parts to deal with the trauma of that loss. Those parts were warning me not to put myself in a position where I might be hurt again.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 147-148)
There is a difference between loving someone intensely and in needing them desperately, but to a young child, they are one and the same thing. When a caretaker leaves a young child for a long period of time—no matter what the reason—that child suffers from feelings of abandonment. Children always feel that they are in control of their world, so when someone they need leaves them, they naturally assume it was because of something they did or didn’t do. It is very important that we try to help young children learn that when bad things happen, it is NOT their fault.
“Many who have multiple personalities are not ‘co-conscious,’ which means that each personality has little or no knowledge of the other personalities. In these people, any particular personality only has a ‘time share’ perspective on the world. In my situation, however, I was able to be co-conscious most of the time. Because of this, I was able to recognize these switches (often, but not always) even though I couldn't seem to control them or make them go away. With all of this going through one brain, it is no wonder I felt crazy much of the time.
“I started to consider scenarios that might happen. One of the scenarios I considered was what would happen if Dixie were to leave. I simply could not imagine myself surviving that possibility. My mind kept going back to the ‘love’ I experienced with Tony, the sexually abusive hired hand of my childhood. I truly thought he loved me, and I remembered how painful it had been when he left. Because I had been so starved for love in my childhood, his departure left a gaping hole in my heart and I had created some personality parts to deal with the trauma of that loss. Those parts were warning me not to put myself in a position where I might be hurt again.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 147-148)
There is a difference between loving someone intensely and in needing them desperately, but to a young child, they are one and the same thing. When a caretaker leaves a young child for a long period of time—no matter what the reason—that child suffers from feelings of abandonment. Children always feel that they are in control of their world, so when someone they need leaves them, they naturally assume it was because of something they did or didn’t do. It is very important that we try to help young children learn that when bad things happen, it is NOT their fault.
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