“1991 was the year my healing process went into full swing, the year I became acquainted with Dixie, and the year I learned that Audrey was such a true soul. Near the end of that year I began to open up to friends and church leaders, not knowing that there would be painful times ahead that would test the limits of my ability to trust. That was the year I started to open up to Louise, a relationship that would be a painful learning experience for me. It was also the year I was able to recognize I had to begin talking and sharing with others in spite of the programmed conflict that was raging inside of me. But even as I recognized the need, it was a very difficult thing to do, and it was difficult every time I opened my mouth.
     “Sometimes I would sit for several hours with one of my friends before I could open up to them. As I sat, I would fight through thoughts such as, ‘If I share the horror I am remembering, it might be the last straw. Could someone still love me if they knew THIS about me?’ It was case by case, session by session, and it never got easier:  

“TELL?
(1991)
 
“My insides quiver and my hands shake
as I tell people
what happened to me.
 
“What if they don’t believe me?
What if they think it’s my fault?
What if they think I deserve it?
 
“These dark secrets have
trapped me inside
for years.
 
“I have to escape
or I’ll drown in the depths of my own fears,
unable to take a stand.
 
“Will they still love me
even after
I’ve shared my heartache?
 
“Or will they misunderstand,
thinking I do it for spite or to manipulate,
instead of to heal.”

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 137-139) 

     How many others feel the way I felt, desperately needing a listening ear, but terrified they will be misunderstood or judged?

“BAD INSIDE
(By Angel, Age 5 - 1991)
 
“Inside I feel
like I’m really
bad,
but I don’t want to be bad.
 
“I really want to be good
but I can’t ever be
really good
‘cuz of the bad.
 
“When people do bad things
to you
then you turn bad, too,
‘cuz they said I wanted to.
 
“I didn’t know
I wanted to,
but they’re grownups
so I guess they know better than me.
 
“They said if people know
about the bad me,
they won’t love me
anymore.
 
“And what if they really are
right
and I really am bad
inside?
 
“‘Cuz some things they did made me feel good,
but scared, too.
And some things I didn’t like
at all!
 
“So I try and try
all the time
to be really, really, really
good
 
“then maybe people won’t know
I’m really bad inside
and they’ll still
like me
 
“but it doesn’t work
‘cuz I know if they find out
I’m bad,
they won’t like me anymore.”

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 136-137)

     Angel truly believed there was no way she could be “good enough” to even be liked—let alone loved. She believed that love must be earned and that she would never “deserve it” no matter what she did.
     Are there children (or adults) around us who also feel that their imperfect behaviors make them unlovable?  Is our love conditional? How can we help those within our influence feel our love regardless of their behaviors?

     “Everyday life in 1991 was like being in the thick of the "battle," a nine year battle to find myself and to become whole. My journal entries and writings paint a picture of the day-to-day combat in which I was engaged. The battlefield included the territories of my disintegrating marriage, my therapy sessions, and the mine-field of my emerging memories. It was beyond my ability to cope with alone, which is why God prepared and sent people into my life. 1991 was the year I started to catch a glimpse of the warmth and endless, unconditional love God had prepared in the hearts of my neighbors and friends. 
     “As I carefully and cautiously forged therapeutic relationships with people around me, I was constantly asking the questions:
     "‘Do you think I'm bad?’" 
     "‘Do you think I'm crazy?’"
     "‘Do you hate me?’"
     “Throughout the cult abuse, cult members purposely made me feel like I was part of their evil, thus I was constantly asking whether or not people thought I was worthy of love. The reason I had to ask repeatedly was because different parts within me had to be reassured, and simply asking the question once to satisfy one part didn't cover all of the need. This issue was one that became imbedded in me very early in life as the cult incorporated it into my experience.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 135-136)

     It is important to note that it was always young child parts who thought they were bad, crazy, or hated. Those little children had become convinced through professional brainwashing that they were unlovable. It took years of kindness from others to help eradicate some of those negative beliefs in individual child parts.
     Thankfully, most people are not subject to professional brainwashing. However, everyone has heard critical comments from peers or authority figures at some time in their life. These negative comments are often believed by the recipients and affect the victim’s self-perception for many years—often into adulthood. For this reason, it is enormously important that we treat those around us with kindness, that we think about what we are going to say—before we say it—and that we try to use words which will build those around us.     

     “As damaged and conflicted as I was, however, I was still able to receive instruction from God in the form of nature and the lowliest and simplest of creatures. . . An excerpt from my 1993 writing, "Railroad Tracks and White Blooming Thistle," talks about the teaching experience:

". . . This morning I heard the cries of a kitten.
I looked out my second story window to see where the cries came from,
And up in a tree as high as my window,
Sat a little kitten.
It looked down and cried and cried--
Too frightened to move.
 
"The mother of this kitten was dead--
Hit by a car just two weeks earlier,
And although the kitten was big enough,
I felt bad as I heard its plaintive cries.
Two other mother cats heard the cries also,
And one by one they climbed the tree
To touch the kitten with their noses
And comfort her.
She was too big now for them to carry.
 
"I was touched by the mother cats.
Both of them had other kittens to care for.
Surely they were too busy
To go through the effort of climbing this tree
And comforting a non-relative.
I did not know that animal instincts
Allowed them to go beyond their physical ties
To reach out to a fellow in their species
When no natural bond had been made. . .

     “I eventually rescued the kitten, but not before I received a profound lesson about nurturing instincts and the ability to express love to a non-family member . . .   
     “In stark contradiction to my lifelong belief that I was unlovable, I was being loved by mere neighbors in such a self-sacrificing, unconditional way that it was impossible to deny. I was truly in the beginning stages of a transformation, but I was still in such pain that I failed to recognize the progress.
     “Would the balances ever level out? Would the weight of love in my life ever be enough to compensate for the pain and sorrow of years of torture, violence and sexual violation?” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 133-134)

     “When you don't believe others could love you, it is nearly impossible to understand their motivations and when you misunderstand others' motivations, it is difficult to trust them. My difficulties with trust were expressed in this writing:

“MY WORLD IS CAVING IN
(1991)
 
I’m afraid
to lean on you.
When I have trusted people
in the past
I have been hurt
or abused.
 
So I have lived my life
alone
as much as possible.
That was the only way
I could maintain control
of my world.
 
Now my world
is caving in
all around me
and I am terrified
of relying on you
and being vulnerable again.

     "I was definitely in a ‘double bind.’ The more I felt safe and comfortable in someone's love, the more frightened I was.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 132)
 
     It may seem strange that parts of me were terrified of getting close to others and of trusting their love, but my experiences fully justified those fears. It was much more than just a fear of being vulnerable. My abusers had deliberately created my distrust in others—as a way to keep the secrets—so that I would never get close enough to anyone and tell them what was happening to me. This disbelief in others’ love was extremely difficult to overcome. Thank Heavens for those wonderful friends who persisted in showing consistent, enduring love and kindness to all the various parts within me.
     Who has reached out in love and kindness to help you? Is there someone in your life who needs your consistent love? 

     “My feelings of being unlovable and my fears about intimacy and trust were expressed in these writings:

"LOVE BOUGHT AND PAID FOR?
(1992)

Is love a thing that must be
earned
bought
and paid for?

Is there such a thing as love
for me?
Is it possible for anyone to love me
freely and without a price?
 
And if they don’t exact a price,
will I trust it really is love?
Will I ever trust that it could last
for me?
 
Will the brainwashing
lies
that corrupted
my logical mind

ever be washed away
enough
to allow me to believe
that I am lovable at all?
 
Will I always fear
that love will turn to hate
for me,
because I am not lovable?"

(My Tears Fall Inside, pages 130-131)

      The brainwashing had been so intense that the inside child parts constantly struggled with feeling unlovable. Those who reached out to me cared enough to sacrifice many other important things they needed to do in order to be there for me. God must have known it was necessary for those child parts to see real sacrifice so they could begin to realize that they actually had value and mattered to someone. How are you able to help others feel that they have value?

     “One time I called Sarah about 10:30 p.m. and her oldest son answered the phone. I quickly asked if Sarah was asleep and if she was, NOT to wake her. He told me that she was, in fact, sleeping.
     “The next day he asked his mom why I sometimes called or came over so late at night. This son was a challenge for Sarah because he was somewhat rebellious, sporting long hair and a black leather jacket. Sarah proceeded to tell him a little about my life. Without hesitation, he responded tenderly, ‘Oh, mom. I wish I would have woke you!’
     “While Sarah's family was renting a tiny two bedroom home, Rick received his first kidney transplant. I came over a couple of days after the event. Sarah and I were standing in the kitchen when she looked around, waved her hand around the room at all the food that members of our church had brought to her family, and sweetly said to me, ‘Look at all the food and things people are doing for our family. And I look at you. Your problems and troubles are SO much worse than any of ours and yet who is watching out for you and taking care of you?’
     “Having a true disciple of Christ, like Sarah, in my life was necessary in helping me overcome one of the biggest challenges I faced: I felt unlovable. It was an abyss so deep and far-reaching that it literally affected every other aspect of living. I had been through profound experiences and purposeful brainwashing that told me I would never be loved.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 130)

     How incredible that Sarah, with all her serious family problems, could look at my situation and be able to put her own troubles into perspective recognizing that the pain I felt was deeper than hers. Although “counting your blessings” sounds like a trite phrase, sometimes when we feel the depths of another person’s pain, it changes our perception of our own troubles and we can cope with our own struggles a little better.

     “It was during this crucial and unbelievably difficult phase of her life that Sarah willingly and cheerfully supported me in my difficulties. One night, I went to her home to talk. I was aware of her situation and her need to arise early the next morning to do her difficult construction work. I thought to myself, ‘I am NOT going to keep her up late,’ and after about a half hour, I stood up to leave.   
     “But Sarah did not stand. She continued to sit on the couch to talk to me. In fact, she continued the conversation for another hour before I finally said, ‘Sarah, I was determined not to let you stay up late with me. I was going to leave.’
     “She replied: ‘I know. That's why I stayed seated because I could tell that you were not okay. I was not going to stand up and let you leave in the vulnerable state you were in because I knew you were not all right.’”
     “I was dumbfounded by the love of this woman. It wasn't until 1:00 or 1:30 in the morning that I finally was able to leave. We both knew that she had to be up very early but as I left she said, ‘Shawna, if you wake up in the next hour and need to talk, call me. If you wake up any time and need me, call me.’ Incredibly, she really meant it! 
     “I cannot tell you how important it was for me, a person who felt like no one could love me, to have someone sacrifice so much for me. I didn't know where to put it! I was in so much pain; I didn't have a place to put this profound and genuine love. It touched me so deeply, but I couldn't fathom that people could love me that much. There was so much pain, and I seemed to have found places to put that pain (distributed amidst my various parts) but when it came to such incredible love, I had difficulty finding a corresponding place for it. Where were the parts of me split off and dedicated to accepting and feeling overwhelming love? There were none.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 129-130)

     Sometimes people are in so much pain that they have an inability to accept or trust that someone can actually love them. Such was the case for me at that time. When someone is in that belief state, only time and consistent unconditional love will eventually altar that conviction, but it can change. I now know that people can love me and I can accept that love—thanks to the enduring love of my wonderful friends.

     “When such disturbing memories started coming out during my therapy sessions, it became more apparent to me why I would need an entire team of supporters on the outside to deal with the "team" of tortured personalities inside. Despite the fact that Sarah had her own ‘crosses to bear,’ she was willing to be on my team.
     “Sarah and her husband, Rick, had seven children. If that wasn't enough to keep her busy and engaged in her own life, Rick had nearly died as a result of a ruptured appendix which destroyed his kidneys, so he was also chronically ill with kidney failure and required to undergo dialysis treatments. Their home was across the street from Dixie's until, unfortunately, they lost it due to financial difficulties brought on by his illness. Both were only a few houses away from mine on the same street.
     “Sarah's husband had been a general engineering contractor and his illness prevented him from doing his work to keep the business afloat. Consequently, it fell on Sarah to do the manual labor that had been his responsibility prior to his illness. She became the crew foreman and had to spend long hours each day in heavy, physical labor including, among other things, pouring concrete. Exhausted, she would come home late to deal with her seven teenaged children and sick husband in a tiny two-bedroom home that was their landing place following the loss of their family residence. She had to be up at 5:30 a.m. each morning to start her day.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 128-129)

     Anyone would think that Sarah had way too much on her plate to have time or desire left to reach out to someone else. Surely it was extremely inconvenient. Never-the-less, Sarah had a sincere love for me and was not only willing but wanted to help me and she was prepared to sacrifice of herself and her time in order to support me. Her Christian example is remarkable.
     I once heard someone say, “Service is not true service unless it is inconvenient.” I am eternally indebted to those who reached out to me despite all of the inconvenience, and showed Christian love and compassion to the many “personality parts” within me. What a wonderful world it would be if each of us reached out to others in a similar manner.

     “Because this particular memory, if it was a memory, involved another person, I realized there was the possibility of corroboration. But not wanting to taint mine or my sister's thoughts on the matter, I didn't want to speak to her directly. In fact, for the entire time I was in therapy, I rarely spoke to my sister because I was afraid of mistakenly implanting ‘false memories’ that shouldn't have been there. In addition, while I was going through therapy, I was very careful to avoid reading about or exposing myself to anything having to do with ritual abuse. It wasn't necessarily because I was trying to prove anything to anyone; it was simply that I didn't feel I could afford to have anyone else's thoughts in my head at the time. I felt crazy enough as it was. 
     “With regards to this memory of hanging, however, I felt I needed some corroboration because I was beginning to believe I was quite insane. Rather than speak to her directly, I called her husband and asked if he could simply ask his wife if she had had any memories of me being hung. He said he would ask her.
     “My sister called me back to say:
     “Yes, I did have a memory like that. In fact, my memory is that I saw you hanging and I had a knife at my throat. I had tried to run away and they caught me. They brought me back and made you hang as my punishment for having run away. I thought I had made this memory up because you are still alive."   
     “Until this discussion with my sister, I had never considered the possibility that we had both been threatened and coerced by the cult members using our relationship with each other to ensure cooperation.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 127-128) 

     I was very upset by the confirmation of this memory through my sister. It would have been so much easier to believe that I was just crazy than to have the memory substantiated. My sister and I were going to different therapists in different counties at this time. There was no possible way that these ideas were put into our heads by our therapists. Also, the fact that we saw the same event from different aspects was an additional proof of their reality.
     If you are struggling to heal consider some of the many avenues of healing. I just discovered a new website, www.healthhealing andwholeness.com. Perhaps this will give you a direction that might help you.