“I talked to Dixie . . . about the reasons why, months earlier, she had suddenly quit talking. I simply asked, ‘Why did you quit talking?’
     “She thought for a moment then replied:

     “'The reason I started coming in the first place was because the Lord told me that you needed me and it was time. But the more I came to visit, the more puzzled I became. I realized I didn't know how to help you. I could tell that I wasn't helping you at all and I asked the Lord, 'what do I do?' He told me that I just needed to listen; listen and love you. That's all I needed to do.'" 

     “How ironic that the Lord spoke to each of us, telling us that the other person needed our help. When I understood what had brought about the change, suddenly I was able to trust Dixie more and more. I knew that she could hear the Lord, and began to learn that no matter what I said or did, she could go to the Lord and He would help her understand me.
     “Up to this point in my life, the only person I trusted was God. He was a perfect being and I knew He would not hurt me. I was far from having that trust level with people, for obvious reasons. Therefore, it became very important to me that the people who were part of my healing "team" were listening to the Lord. 
     “I knew that Dixie listened to the Lord and she became the safest person I had ever known in my entire life. Little by little I let her see views of my world of pain. With Dixie, it eventually became possible to tell ALL.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 77-78)

     Relationships with others are greatly enhanced through a joint relationship with God. Having God involved adds a whole new dimension and can help all parties in that relationship to grow and learn together. Just as Dixie asked God how to help me, so we can ask Him how He wants us to become involved in others’ lives.

     “Nearly a year after I got to know Dixie, something changed and for no apparent reason she started to come to my home every Sunday to spend a few hours. I remember thinking, ‘I don't know why she is doing this, as she isn't 'assigned' to me.’ Our church creates assignments for women to visit, check on, and support other women in the congregation. The same holds true for men in our church. Dixie wasn't assigned to me and I wasn't assigned to her. Her increase in visits puzzled me, as I could see no reason for it. 
     “This visiting went on for three months until one day I realized that she had suddenly stopped talking; she simply stopped telling me stories about her life. She was silent. This change seemed to create a vacuum that forced me to do more talking. It was the change that nudged me into a whole new direction with this wonderful woman whom I would later call my ‘Dixie Mom.’
     “At one point, while Dixie was at my home, I was standing at my upstairs bedroom window watching my husband drive away from the house. Seeing my body language change dramatically into a more relaxed state after he was gone, Dixie allowed me a moment to settle into a more comfortable feeling, and then asked, ‘Are you two still sleeping together?’”
     “I was absolutely shocked at her abrupt question, and especially because I had not spoken directly about my marital problems. I could only surmise that she was beginning to see what was really happening in my household. I also realized that she was observing my moods and body language. Thinking she might judge me by my answer, I said sheepishly, ‘Well . . . no, we're not.’ Her response was equally shocking, yet comforting and without judgment. ‘That's good,’ she said, ‘I don't know how you could be working on your problems if you were still sleeping together.’ 
     “Dixie's frankness brought about a change in our relationship. I would come to learn that Dixie would broach any subject and that with her, everything was ‘out on the table.’” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 76-77.)

     During holiday seasons many people suffer with extreme loneliness, sadness and depression. Sometimes people look “just fine” on the outside but are suffering deep pain on the inside. None of us can help everyone but is there someone God wants us to reach out to?

     “The rest of that year, my friendship with Dixie was what you might describe as friendly but "careful." I asked her to take walks with me, which she did on a few occasions. I would let her talk to me about whatever was going on in her life. As we walked around the neighborhood, traveling up and down the gentle hills, passing newly built homes, she would always ask, ‘So how are you?’"
     “I would respond with the standard line, ‘I'm fine. I'm dealing with a little stuff, but I'm ok.’"
     "‘How's your therapy going?’"
     “‘Oh . . . it's . . . it's kind of hard, but I'm doing ok.’"    
     “In my walking dialogues with Dixie, I completely minimized what was happening with me. She knew that I was going through some ‘difficulties’ and was in therapy, but I simply couldn't allow her to have a view into my painful world - not yet anyway.
     “Dixie would telephone sometimes to simply ask how I was doing. I would listen to her talk, but kept everything to myself. I was uncomfortable in the role of someone needing support. At the time, I was also dealing with very painful marriage issues and had been conditioned to believe that men and women shouldn't discuss their problems outside of the marriage.    
     “Gradually – very gradually, I opened the door just a crack to allow her to see a very small amount of what I was dealing with in my therapy sessions which had to do with my marriage and childhood abuse. She was supportive and unperturbed by my story, but I wasn't about to offer up the deepest, most hidden troubles in my heart.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 75-76.) 

God knows us. I am independent by nature and He knew if He had sent me a dream telling me that I needed Dixie in my life I would have totally discounted it, knowing that “I was just fine” by myself. In His wisdom He told me that she needed my friendship so that I would reach out to her. Little did I realize—in the beginning—how much I would come to need her!
     There is a simple yet profound truth here. When we reach out to someone else to help them, we are often the greater beneficiary.   

     “One day, a couple moved into my neighborhood, only a few houses away from mine. Theirs was a small but comfortable home, built low into the ground where entering the home meant stepping down into their living space. Fittingly, Dixie and Guy were remarkably grounded and put on no "airs" for anyone. They were in their late fifties. Guy was a wiry, energetic man with a wry sense of humor and a ready smile and Dixie was a kind, wise soul with "nurturing eyes" and a very fun sense of humor. The more time I spent around them, the more I sensed a deep spirituality.   
     “Shortly after beginning therapy, I had a dream about Dixie. I dreamed that she was lonely and needed a friend. My dream was very strong and I awoke thinking, 'I am to be Dixie's friend.' I dialed her phone number but because this was Christmastime, she was away visiting family. Despite my dream, however, I took no further immediate action to pursue a friendship with her. 
     “As was common in our church, as newcomers, Guy and Dixie were asked to speak to the congregation and they gave excellent, inspiring talks. Listening to Dixie speak, I thought to myself, 'She can handle this. She seems like someone who would understand that God can speak to us through dreams. If I have an opportunity to talk to Dixie about my dream, I will.'"       
     “A couple of months later, I needed a way home from an evening meeting and Dixie was there to give me a ride. After she talked about some events in her life, I decided to tell her about my dream. 
     “‘I had a dream about you a couple of months ago."
     “Surprised, she asked, ‘Really? What was it about?’”
     “‘I dreamed that you are really lonely and need a friend, and I am it.’” 
     “With that, she immediately started crying. She then commented, ‘Oh, I'm so glad to know the Lord's aware of me because I'm very lonely and I've always had better friends that were your age than my own age.’ She was twenty years older than I was.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 74-75.) 

     God is aware of each of us, though at times we may not feel it or realize it. He knows what we are going through and it matters to Him and sometimes He allows us the privilege of being instruments in His hands to help someone else not feel so isolated.

     “I was prone to minimizing the degree to which someone might be capable of hurting me, thus, I needed someone like Audrey to validate my understanding of things. I often excused away others’ negative behaviors because I was so unsure of myself. Audrey, on the other hand, was grounded in her understanding of what was appropriate or inappropriate. . .
     “I was having difficulty understanding what “normal” was and I needed someone grounded to help me understand the boundaries of “normal” relationships. Audrey was that person. Her role in my healing was as a “validator,” someone with whom I could define reality. This ability to determine what was real and what was not real became so much more important when the subject matter shifted to the mind-blowing issue of sadistic ritual abuse:

REAL / UNREAL

What am I afraid of?

If I made it all up
maybe I’m just crazy.

If it is just a memory
then it was hell

But if it isn’t real
why the terror?

If it is real
then why can’t I remember?

If I can’t remember
why am I so frightened?

Strange

that the only feeling left to me
is fear.

     “My relationship with Audrey was pivotal in my healing because she was the first person I actually dared talk to about some of my pain. Audrey’s compassionate response . . . gave me courage to gradually share more of my pain, first with her then later with others. It even affected my ability to open up more fully to my therapist. As time went on, God mercifully brought other willing, loving souls forward to offer their unique gifts at just the right time.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 72-74)

MAKE ME LOOK

You are my friend,
and when you tell me
of your joys and sorrows,
I pride myself
on looking straight into your eyes.
I want to know how you feel,
for then I can feel with you.

I tell you my memories
because I need to know
you still care,
even though people hurt me,
but I hang my head down
and I can’t force myself
to look into your eyes.

I need your love desperately,
so I am terrified
of what I might see
in your eyes.
The memories I tell are black as hell!
They are morbid and terrifying,
full of filth!

What if you feel
revulsion toward me
or you hate me for telling you?
What if you feel angry
and wish you never knew me?
What if you think I’m bad
or dirty?

What if you don’t believe me?
What if you are ashamed of me?
What if it doesn’t matter to you
that they destroyed me?
What if you wish I would go away,
and I look into your eyes
and see rejection?

I don’t want people to feel sad,
yet I desperately need to know
that I have enough value
that somewhere
it matters
to someone
that I was hurt.

I am so afraid to look into your eyes,
but please!
If you can still love me,
or if you hurt for me,
or if you cry for me,
or if you think I’m a good person
anyway,

or if you want to make me feel better,
or if you want to comfort me,
or if you are sad that someone hurt me,
or if you can believe me,
or if you aren’t ashamed of me,
or if you don’t want me to go away,
or if you are glad you know me,

or if it does matter to you
that they destroyed me,
and you really do love me,
Please! Please!
Make me look into your eyes,
so I can see your love
for me!


(From My Tears Fall Inside, pages 70-72)

     “One summer day in 1991 I was starting a wallpaper project in my home and had heard that a neighbor, Audrey, was an expert with wallpaper. I liked Audrey. She was my age, with a successful marriage and six children to take care of. Audrey was tall and thin with dark, shoulder-length hair and an olive complexion. She was a very attractive, confident woman with a calm and open demeanor. 
     “I decided to ask her if she could help me, thinking that she might just offer some advice. I was surprised when she came to my home and helped me complete the entire project. Later, Audrey wanted to help her sister with a wallpaper project in a town a hundred miles away and I decided to return the favor and volunteered to help her.
     “The 100-mile drive to her sister's home offered an opportunity to talk. Because we were driving at night, I felt safer opening up to her when I knew she couldn't see my face. In fact, over the subsequent years, as I shared my life with various people it would often be with a sweatshirt or jacket hood covering my face. I felt safer disclosing when I knew my face wasn't exposed.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 67)

     Opening up to anyone is a very vulnerable experience. However, by letting someone into your world, a closeness is developed that can not happen in any other way. It is worth the risk, even though people aren’t perfect and sometimes disappoint you.  

     Here is the poem I promised.

     “When I was finally able to open myself up to one person, a miraculous thing happened. It became easier to open up to a select few friends, to ecclesiastical leaders, and to my therapist. My trust level was so low that it always took many months before child parts were able to confide in someone new. Several different people befriended me and I could open up a little bit to them, but there was always a difficult threshold I was unable to cross which prevented me from really allowing myself to trust them completely and to be vulnerable.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 67-69)

     “I eventually discovered that my friends would play an indispensable role in helping me release my emotions. I could not do that portion of the work with a therapist. Paying a therapist seemed to put a barrier between us when it came to releasing my emotions. The therapist's role was to help me attach my symptoms to their source memories, but when it came to the most painful and difficult process of allowing myself to feel, it fell upon an amazing assortment of friends to help me with that difficult work.
     “God created for me an unusual path to healing. I have discovered that many others who have experienced what is now commonly referred to as "Dissociative Identity Disorder," speak of the all-absorbing involvement of their therapists. My case was quite different as my therapists, though they served valiantly and professionally, were not the whole answer. In my case God inspired some of His humble, untrained followers to do an amazing work on my behalf. Even though I was horrified of "airing dirty laundry" in front of my friends and neighbors, and would never consider doing so, God had other things in mind.
     “Even though I knew that God had prepared certain "outside" people to participate in my healing, that knowledge did little to alleviate my vulnerability when it came to opening up to these friends. In my heart I just knew that I was unlovable and had no interest in having that fact confirmed by a "friend" who might reject me. My inner five-year-olds were especially troubled by the idea of sharing my pain with outsiders.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 66-67)

     I will share a poem by the five-year-olds in my next blog on Monday.

     It is very frightening to let someone into your private world, but if you are suffering, it is sometimes absolutely necessary in order to heal. If you are suffering, take a chance and reach out for help. Sometimes people will disappoint you, but many times they will surprise you with their love and acceptance. 

     “Although my inner parts seemed willing to talk about their memories during therapy sessions, there seemed to be a problem or a block in my healing process. I was totally disconnected from my feelings. No matter how traumatic the memories were, I remained completely numb, reciting a list of abuses as if I were reading a grocery list.
     “Seeing my worsening physical symptoms along with this numbness, the therapist was concerned that I would not be able to heal as long as I kept blocking all of my feelings.
     “The memories were so awful that I was afraid to let any of the feelings surface. I had blocked my emotions for so long I didn’t know how to let them come. I literally hadn’t cried for at least the previous ten years before I began therapy. My 12-year-old daughter never remembered seeing me cry.
     “I didn't know I needed help from anyone else until Lonely Laura wrote the following: (My Tears Fall Inside, page 65 and poem on page 66)

WHERE ARE YOU
By Lonely Laura

Where are you in this world full of faces?

I feel jostled to and fro among the endless people
yet I find no one.

No one to see and hear and feel with me

The emptiness inside

The tears unshed

The aching longing to find someone.

How can you, who are on top of the world
find me—here at the bottom?

I am lost and oh so alone.

Where is that shoulder?

I need to weep and yet I can’t

for there is no one.

     There were people who could have been part of my life if I had only let them into my world. If you are also suffering from loneliness and trapped emotions as I was, try being brave and give someone a chance to get to know you.