During my healing process I frequently struggled with trying to deny the horrible memories which came back. I also tried to lock the pain inside. However, those coping mechanisms created more problems. A few quotes from The Silent Cries explains the internal logic of why this was happening.

            I believed if I expressed too much pain, I would have difficulty denying what had             happened to me, and for parts of me, the need for denial was very strong. . .
            I talked with a friend who had also experienced ritual abuse and she gave me                 some very timely advice. . .
            [She said] Let the parts say and feel and do whatever they need to do. Let the             parts know its okay. Tell them they can take whatever time they need and when                 they've said and felt and done whatever they needed to--then it will go away by                 itself. (The Silent Cries, p. 26)

    A journal entry written by child parts shows how they were feeling:

            We told her one reason we are afraid to cry is cuz if we cry, then it might be harder         to make the memories not real. But Janie said if we pretend it's not real, we still have         to deal with it. I guess that is true because even if we pretend its not real, we have             bad days. . . and bad dreams, and wake up crying for help and all kinds of stuff--so it         still is trouble--even on the inside and it gives us stomach aches and stuff. (The                 Silent Cries, p. 49)

    So now its your turn. Please feel free to share your thoughts on this subject or on anything else you would like to discuss.
       

    One of the difficult challenges when trying to heal from serious pain or abuse issues is the ability to let out all of the locked up emotions. Sometimes a person wants to "appear healed" to the point of blocking and stopping the actual healing process.
           
            "I failed to realize that my concern about appearing 'unhealed' was actually one of         the factors preventing my healing. If I would just let my child parts express                         themselves, in all their painful desperateness, then I could potentially get to a more         stable emotional state. It seemed very counter-intuitive, but the more I allowed                 expression of these intensely painful emotions the more 'healthy' I would be." (The             Silent Cries, page 21)

    The following poem found in The Silent Cries, page 21, and also in Hear My Cry: Writings From My Soul, page 312, shows an additional perspective.

FEELINGS BEHIND THE FACE

I smile and chatter and laugh.
You think I am doing well,
then you leave
and I feel sad.

I kept it away while you were here.
I like to look happy and fine.
I want to be all better.

But sad stays inside
still
and doesn't disappear with smiles
and doesn't get better
hiding away.

I think it is smart to be happy
and stupid to feel sad.
"You can keep it away if you want to."

But when I keep it away,
it stays inside
and doesn't go away ever!!!

    So let's talk. Have you had any difficulty getting out the things that are locked inside of you? What's on your mind today?

    The Silent Cries is now in print and available for purchase. I'm SO excited to have this huge book writing project completed. In this book I actually share more about my personal relationship with God. This is one facet of the book which is not developed as much in the other two books. (For more information about the contents of this book, see my home page.) A quote from my introduction is:

    "During my healing process, God became my best therapist. . . I developed this relationship with God by walking and talking with Him in the hills near my home. I would usually spend one to two hours each day conversing with Him. As time went on, I got better at being able to hear what God was trying to tell me, so I began  to record my conversations with Him in my journal. During the first few sessions with my second therapist, I sometimes told him that 'God told me . . .' At first he looked at me as if he thought I was imagining that God spoke to me, but within a few short weeks when I told him that I had talked to God about a certain situation or concern, he would eagerly ask, 'And what did He say?' He would frequently get tears in his eyes as I would share what I had been told. Since the personal revelation I received was filled with knowledge and information that could be applied to many different situations and could create a greater understanding of the character and personality of God, I decided to share parts of some of these prayers with you, the reader."

    I hope many of you decide to read this book and will share your feelings about it. Those who have read the manuscript are saying that this book is the best one yet. Read it and draw your own conclusions. (Also, if you have read either of my other books, please consider writing a review about them on Amazon.)
    Looking forward to hearing your comments about anything you would like to talk about.

    The last three weeks have been very busy. I have spoken to three different groups from Syracuse to Orem, Utah. This is a cell phone snap shot while I was
speaking to the ChainBreaker Foundation.
    Now my calendar has been cleared and I am looking for more opportunities to speak. If you have a group you would like me to speak to, please contact me at [email protected] and I will be happy
to discuss the details with you.
    In the meantime, since many of you have come to my events and purchased my books, I would love to hear your comments about either the speaking event you attended or how you felt when you read one or both of the books currently in print. 
    To those of you who have suffered any form of abuse, my  heart goes out to you and I hope you
will find hope in reading my story, that no matter how bleak your life may seem right now, it can and will get better. May God be with you in your journey. 
    To those who have not suffered personal abuse, I hope you are able to find out who God wishes you to
reach out to and that you will be the hero in someone's life, just as many
people have been the hero's in my
life. 
       

    What does it say about me if every time I post (though rarely) I start out apologizing? So posting quarterly isn't good enough? Okay, so I haven't gotten into the habit of posting on a blog yet.
     Good news however. I'm starting to get more into this technology thing. I've finally started texting on my phone. I know, I'm WAY back in the Stone Age, but what can I say? So don't give up on me yet. I could get better at this blog thing, too.
    I think I deserve some credit though. Since my last post, I have finished and printed my new book, Hear My Cry, Writings From My Soul. Also both the first book, My Tears Fall Inside and my new book are now available in Kindle Ebook format on Amazon.com. And now I am working on the next book, The Silent Cries. (Plus my son got married at the end of December and with all the wedding plans . . .) So I've been busy.
    For those of you who haven't purchased your copy of Hear My Cry yet, here is one of the poems or Writings From My Soul, that you haven't read yet. Feel free to comment on this blog or email me at [email protected].

WITH YOU
(8/3/92) Written to Jesus

With You
I sit under the wild
grey green olive tree
in Gethsemane.

In agony and innocence
I carry the pain
of the senseless sins
of satanists.

With You
I cry out in desperate agony.
Take it away!
I cannot bear it.

And suddenly I recall
seeing You there,
Your Godly heart
breaking open

under the strain of pain,
suffering in innocence
for the sins and suffering
of all.

    First I want to apologize for not posting twice a week like I had planned. I have been spending my time working feverishly on my next two books and since blogging is new to me, it just hasn’t been at the top of my list.  Since I obviously didn’t succeed at posting twice weekly, I will try to post each Thursday. 
     The good news is that I am making great progress.  Chuck and Laraine Chamberlain have been working many hours to compile a terrific index to my companion book, “Hear My Cry, Writings From My Soul”.  I’m almost done with the cover for that book, and hopefully it will be ready for the printer within the month—at least that is my goal.
    Now I want to address a comment others have made to me about my first book, “My Tears Fall Inside”.  This comment has been made to me personally—and not posted on my blog:

     “WHO did this to you?” 
 
     It was very important to me that my book have a non-critical tone.  As a result, I did not want to spend my energies accusing and debasing those who abused me in ritual abuse.  Another reason I did not point the finger is because satanists are so good at deception and brainwashing, that even though I have come to an acceptance of WHO did this to me, there is still a chance that I could have been deceived.  The fact is that those who hurt me are either dead by now, or too old to hurt anyone else. I will leave the final judgment to God and I am at peace with that decision.

     Now it is your turn.  Do you have any questions I can address next time?

     Ask away.

Hello everyone.  Welcome to my blog.

First, many thanks to all of you who have purchased and read my book.  I hope many of
you have gained something by reading it. If you have, please feel free to comment on this blog and click the“Like” button on my web page.  Also, encourage your friends to come to my website so they can buy their own copy of the book.  

Next, this is my first attempt at blogging.  I just wanted to get that right out front.  In fact, since I am behind the times on that sort of thing, I had to call my daughter to get some tips on how to do it.  So please be patient with me as I learn.  I will plan on posting to my blog on each Monday and Thursday.

Many people love the title of my book.  Although this book is not a poetry book, there are several poems included. Those of you that have already read the book know that the title came from the first poem in the book.  Here is the poem:

 INSIDE

The world is blue sky
and sunny 
outside.

The children laugh and play
In the
orchard
outside.

The people are friendly
and polite
outside.

But

My sun has set . . .
and skies are black
inside. 

The children tremble and cry
in the mind
inside.

Only death brings peace
and life, sadness
inside.

And so
I smile and no one knows
that all my tears fall
inside.



I would like to open up this blog discussion about your own experiences or the feelings you had while reading my book. 
Now let’s start talking . . .

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