“I had gotten into the habit of gathering sage while on my treks into the hills. Sage was symbolic of my pain, and what I did with the sage was an indication of what was happening inside of me. One time, I tried to throw the sage into the wind, to dissipate it, but it landed in front of me - directly in my path. Some nights, I would carefully place it at the doorstep or mailbox of my support team members. When I did that, it was a statement that said, ‘I need you and I'm sharing my pain with you.’ With Dixie, however, I had reached new heights in my ability to share pain. It was almost as if she was able to reach over and take the sage (my pain) directly from my hand. After Dixie's departure, I wrote her an explanation of how lost I felt:
“I am really homesick for you, bad! I haven’t hardly cried at all since the day you left—but I’m still way sad inside! I think that’s why I’m having such trouble dissociating and feeling far away. If I even think about it at all, I know I’m really sad! But even when I’m so sad only a very few tears fall and it all stops right away. I don’t exactly know what to do?! We are so sad and lonely without you!! You are gone too long already and it’s still forever until you come back!! . . .
“Now it’s Sunday. I carried this handful of sage all the way to the source [a symbolic flow of water in the hillside] and now I’m back down by the olive tree and I’m still holding it. I just can’t seem to know what to do with it. Lately, when I walk, I find out when I get all the way back to my car that the sage I picked on the way is still in my hand. I think it means now I’m keeping the sad inside about everything—but I also think it's because I don’t quite know what to do—since you aren’t sitting beside me and symbolically taking it out of my hand. You lifted so many of my burdens—by allowing me to cry with you and tell you all my worries.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 167-168)
Some might wonder if it was worth it to have those child parts bond with Dixie since it was so traumatic for them when she left. However, without that close bond, I would have made NO progress at all!
“I am really homesick for you, bad! I haven’t hardly cried at all since the day you left—but I’m still way sad inside! I think that’s why I’m having such trouble dissociating and feeling far away. If I even think about it at all, I know I’m really sad! But even when I’m so sad only a very few tears fall and it all stops right away. I don’t exactly know what to do?! We are so sad and lonely without you!! You are gone too long already and it’s still forever until you come back!! . . .
“Now it’s Sunday. I carried this handful of sage all the way to the source [a symbolic flow of water in the hillside] and now I’m back down by the olive tree and I’m still holding it. I just can’t seem to know what to do with it. Lately, when I walk, I find out when I get all the way back to my car that the sage I picked on the way is still in my hand. I think it means now I’m keeping the sad inside about everything—but I also think it's because I don’t quite know what to do—since you aren’t sitting beside me and symbolically taking it out of my hand. You lifted so many of my burdens—by allowing me to cry with you and tell you all my worries.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 167-168)
Some might wonder if it was worth it to have those child parts bond with Dixie since it was so traumatic for them when she left. However, without that close bond, I would have made NO progress at all!
RSS Feed