“My experience with Louise, another woman in my neighborhood, was valuable; but it was valuable in ways that were quite different from my experiences with other friends. In developing a friendship with Louise, I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that someone who might initially help you through your pain may not be able to continue to the end of your healing. When this happened to me, the pain intensified, especially for my traumatized child parts. Only much later were my adult parts able to put the entire situation into a beneficial perspective.
“The following analogy describes this adult perspective on a very painful part of my healing process: It was like being in Los Angeles and needing to get to New York City. A driver offers to take me to New York City but in Denver the driver discovers he can continue no further. I am still a long way from New York, but at least I have covered some distance and made some progress.
“A few months after getting a new therapist, I started reaching out to Louise, a woman with very wavy red hair, the kind of red you notice from far away. She was the mother of many children and supplemented the family income by teaching violin lessons at home. Something about Louise made me open up to her and mention some things about my troubled marriage and she responded in a very loving, non-judgmental way.
“On Christmas Eve of 1991, I was feeling extremely down and spoke with Louise over the phone for about 15 minutes. A few days after Christmas, she called to check on me and treated me so nicely. The following day she came over to my house, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. I was so grateful for her love and affection. That little bit of reaching out made my inner ‘little ones’ say, ‘Oh, here's a nice, safe person.’” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 105-106)
It is important, as an adult, to try and understand that people can not always give as much as we may want them to give—or even as much as they may want to give. People are also imperfect and even though they love us, sometimes say or do things that hurt us. Unfortunately, my child parts did not have that perspective.
“The following analogy describes this adult perspective on a very painful part of my healing process: It was like being in Los Angeles and needing to get to New York City. A driver offers to take me to New York City but in Denver the driver discovers he can continue no further. I am still a long way from New York, but at least I have covered some distance and made some progress.
“A few months after getting a new therapist, I started reaching out to Louise, a woman with very wavy red hair, the kind of red you notice from far away. She was the mother of many children and supplemented the family income by teaching violin lessons at home. Something about Louise made me open up to her and mention some things about my troubled marriage and she responded in a very loving, non-judgmental way.
“On Christmas Eve of 1991, I was feeling extremely down and spoke with Louise over the phone for about 15 minutes. A few days after Christmas, she called to check on me and treated me so nicely. The following day she came over to my house, gave me a hug, and told me she loved me. I was so grateful for her love and affection. That little bit of reaching out made my inner ‘little ones’ say, ‘Oh, here's a nice, safe person.’” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 105-106)
It is important, as an adult, to try and understand that people can not always give as much as we may want them to give—or even as much as they may want to give. People are also imperfect and even though they love us, sometimes say or do things that hurt us. Unfortunately, my child parts did not have that perspective.
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