“What then? What would this change mean? I noticed that after this experience, I immediately felt more space inside. I felt the presence of more light and the ability to feel stronger in my spiritual connection to God. My therapy sessions changed too. I felt more capable of learning new things, things that I had previously been incapable of learning, things having to do with what was positive about me. I felt that people could truly love me.
“Was my pain and suffering over? Not by a long shot, but I believe this experience, combined with the emotional state caused by my grief, produced a subtle yet powerful shift in my capacities. I was suddenly capable of more healing. What a miracle! God had promised me miracles and this was one of them, but things were still extremely difficult.
“Within a couple of weeks I felt like I was at the ‘end of my rope’ again. I had received both a letter and a card from Dixie on my birthday but nothing in the four weeks after that. I was dealing with extremely traumatized five year olds inside, and to them a month is an eternity and a half! And now, after my creative visualization session, the emotions seemed so much more intense.
“After group that night, I decided to go over to the home of Dixie’s daughter, Carla. She and her 16 year old son came out to my van with me and sat and listened as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was completely five years old and it was extremely obvious. Although Carla had seen some of my parts occasionally, she had never seen me quite like this.
“Carla and her son felt very sad for this poor little girl and they reassured me they would write to Dixie and tell her she HAD to write me. She also reassured me that she was positive that her mother could love me for a whole month even though I hadn’t received a letter for such a long time. After two hours of sobbing, I finally had to go home.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 176-177)
Though it may sound strange, this intense sobbing was actually good for me. It was absolutely necessary in order to get the pain from the inside of me to the outside and was the only way to release the deep sadness trapped inside. Even though it felt like all of the misery came from Dixie’s absence, other grief was being released at the same time. Crying is healing.
“Was my pain and suffering over? Not by a long shot, but I believe this experience, combined with the emotional state caused by my grief, produced a subtle yet powerful shift in my capacities. I was suddenly capable of more healing. What a miracle! God had promised me miracles and this was one of them, but things were still extremely difficult.
“Within a couple of weeks I felt like I was at the ‘end of my rope’ again. I had received both a letter and a card from Dixie on my birthday but nothing in the four weeks after that. I was dealing with extremely traumatized five year olds inside, and to them a month is an eternity and a half! And now, after my creative visualization session, the emotions seemed so much more intense.
“After group that night, I decided to go over to the home of Dixie’s daughter, Carla. She and her 16 year old son came out to my van with me and sat and listened as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was completely five years old and it was extremely obvious. Although Carla had seen some of my parts occasionally, she had never seen me quite like this.
“Carla and her son felt very sad for this poor little girl and they reassured me they would write to Dixie and tell her she HAD to write me. She also reassured me that she was positive that her mother could love me for a whole month even though I hadn’t received a letter for such a long time. After two hours of sobbing, I finally had to go home.” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 176-177)
Though it may sound strange, this intense sobbing was actually good for me. It was absolutely necessary in order to get the pain from the inside of me to the outside and was the only way to release the deep sadness trapped inside. Even though it felt like all of the misery came from Dixie’s absence, other grief was being released at the same time. Crying is healing.
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