Sometimes after we have been very vulnerable with someone, we become insecure and our reaction is to pull away—at least emotionally. We want people to think we are just fine, and don’t need any help. At least that was true for me. Once Janie had experienced a flashback with me, I locked up my feelings tighter than ever again.
“From then on, if I cried at all, it was only a tear or two. The result of locking all of the tears inside meant that my body's aches and pains increased since there was no release of the emotional pain. I failed to realize that my concern about appearing ‘un-healed’ was actually one of the factors preventing my healing. If I would just let my child parts express themselves, in all their painful desperateness, then I could potentially get to a more stable emotional state. It seemed very counter-intuitive, but the more I allowed expression of these intense painful emotions the more ‘healthy’ I would be. The following poem was written by child parts who were thinking of Janie.”
FEELINGS BEHIND THE FACE
I smile and chatter and laugh.
You think I am doing well,
then you leave
and I feel sad.
I kept it away while you were here.
I like to look happy and fine.
I want to be all better.
But sad stays inside
and doesn’t disappear with smiles
and doesn’t get better
I think it is smart to be happy
and stupid to feel sad.
“You can keep it away if you want to.”
But when I keep it away,
it stays inside
and doesn’t go away ever!!!
(The Silent Cries, pages 21-22)
God is so smart! He knows what we can handle and when we can handle it. In my case, He gave me the ability to create pretend children inside, and in my mind, all the horrible things that happened to me, happened to those pretend children or “parts” and NOT to me. Then because I dissociated all of those horrible experiences at the time they happened, I forgot them. Finally, when it was time for me to heal, God allowed these little child personalities or “parts” to come back and tell me what happened to them (me). These parts created a road map for my healing and allowed me to only remember and deal with my childhood terrors a piece at a time. Thankfully, at the same time these memories were emerging, God sent wonderful people into my life who could love me and assist Him in the work of my healing.
“Janie reached out to me frequently and six weeks after Easter, she was with me as I experienced a flashback. The memories of the torture and horror that I lived through as a child were held inside my mind by many separate parts of my personality. These various ‘parts’ within kept the memories a secret from me, so I was not conscious of those memories, until my subconscious mind determined that I was now capable of dealing with that forgotten knowledge. When a ‘part’ suddenly brought back the memory to my conscious mind, that child part did not just “talk about” what happened to them. I literally lived through what actually happened to that child as if it were happening at that very moment, so the terror and torture were present. . .
“When Janie or others lived through a flashback with me, it was heartbreaking for them, as they literally heard the voice of a child in abject terror and felt the trembling of my whole body. In addition, when someone lived through that experience with a child part, it created an incredible bond from the child to that support person, since the child now viewed that person as a hero. This created an intense neediness for that support person as the child who lived through that torture had all of the emotional issues any normal child would have if they experienced torture. Thus the parts, having been brainwashed to believe that no one could love them, now grew concerned that Janie would begin to dislike them (me) because she had seen what a mess I was.” (The Silent Cries, selections from pages 19-21)
NEW! The second half of my story, "The Silent Cries" is
now available as an unabridged Audio Book (11 CDs) and
is also available as an unabridged MP3 Audio (2 CDs).
Go to the Buy Now page of my website to order now.
Jed Norwood (the organizer) is opening up this event to everyone. It is free. I would love to see some familiar faces. Here is part of the latest email which Jed sent out today.
“‘A Journey of Healing’ evening with Shawna Draper and friends is tomorrow night so if you haven't already booked your calendar to attend you will want to surely do it now.
“Shawna's message is one of hope and faith and how the human spirit can overcome the ugliness that this world can dish out. She shares how God—through remarkable Christ like people—helped her heal from the after effects of childhood sexual abuse, satanic ritual abuse, divorce, deep depression and dissociative identity disorder. With the help and support of Christ like people lost and broken hearts can be rescued.
“Shawna's message will leave you feeling hope in the journey of healing you face whether it be for your sufferings or the sufferings of a loved one.
“Come and take part in this heartfelt evening!
“On FRIDAY, Sept 19th from 7:00 pm to 8:30 pm located at the Highland Community Center, 5378 W. 10400 N., Highland, Utah.
"We hope to see you there.” (Jed Norwood)
“A week after I gave her a large stack of poems to read, Janie invited me to ‘Shenandoah,’ a community play in which her children were performing. I sat by her when she wasn't helping with the production and it gave us a chance to talk, something I looked forward to because I didn't really know much about Janie.
“As we waited for the play to begin, I leaned over and asked, ‘How many children do you have?’”
“She responded, ‘Well, it depends on how you count. It's either six or eight.’ She explained that her second child, a girl, lived only a week before she died. Her third child, also a girl, had heart problems and died when she was only six years old. I felt so sad for her and realized that Janie was no stranger to heartache.” (The Silent Cries, page 19)
I have observed that some of the most compassionate people in my life are those who have experienced great pain, loss and sadness. There is something about extreme pain which is universal. Whether the pain comes from the death of a loved one, serious depression, sexual abuse, life threatening illness, or other form of major trauma, there is a commonality. When a person finds themselves in a position where they have no control over the outcome of their situation, the soul can get carved out and become deeper. An understanding of the complexity of heartache and profound empathy for others’ can become the by-product. I am so thankful to those whose compassion became magnified through their pain and who understood the complicated world I was dealing with.
“After that embarrassing moment in my bedroom, Janie started to reach out to me in little ways. A week after that incident, at her request, I read her more of my poems and I even dared to let her take a few of them home with her, on the condition that she return them ‘soon.’ Giving her my poems to take home made me feel extremely vulnerable and I thought to myself, ‘I wonder if she will wait a whole week to bring them back?’ Giving her access to my poems was a test to see how interested she was in me. Well, it wasn't even a full week before she brought the poems back, so she passed that test. She had read them, loved them, and asked if I would give her more to read. I eventually gave her a whole year's worth, which was a way of letting her into my world and another test to see if she could really handle me and my ‘stuff.’” (The Silent Cries, pages 18-19)
When a person experiences severe trauma at the hands of others in early childhood, distrust of people and their motives is a natural consequence. In the child’s mind, this wariness is a way to help keep them safe, and that child tests every relationship. At least that was the case with the child parts inside of me. For this reason, it took incredible people with consistent kindness in order for me to feel safe enough to allow them windows into my world and my soul. Thankfully, some of those wonderful people reached out to me. Who has reached out to you in your time of need?
“By that time [May 1994] my relationship with Dixie had changed, so from that point on, my feelings became more and more blocked. I had also quit going to therapy the previous month. . . From then on, if I cried at all, it was only a tear or two. The result of locking all of the tears inside meant that my body's aches and pains increased since there was no release of the emotional pain. I failed to realize that my concern about appearing ‘un-healed’ was actually one of the factors preventing my healing. If I would just let my child parts express themselves, in all their painful desperateness, then I could potentially get to a more stable emotional state. It seemed very counter-intuitive, but the more I allowed expression of these intense painful emotions the more ‘healthy’ I would be.” (The Silent Cries, page 21)
It is just fine to lock tears inside on occasion. However, when it becomes a habit and the painful emotions remained trapped inside for long periods of time, eventually the body begins to suffer. Whenever I see someone who is totally numb to feelings, I know that person is not fine! I recognize the behavior and understand that this means there is huge sadness locked inside. I hope to be observant and sensitive to the feelings of those around me, and reach out to others in pain whenever possible.
“Kasey continued to have inspired ideas to help the parts change deeply ingrained programming. She pointed out that parts acted like they were wearing glasses and on the glasses were written the words, ‘I am unlovable.’ So they saw the whole world through those glasses and were fearful, to the extent that everything seemed to prove to them they were not lovable. So, she told the parts to write on the glasses, ‘I am lovable’ and start seeing the world through those glasses.” (The Silent Cries, page 274)
All of us see the world through our own glasses, and because of our individual issues, the writing on those lenses may differ, and that writing may change from time to time. Usually the lenses through which we see our world, include negative or limiting beliefs about who we are and about our lack of individual worth. Many times those negative beliefs were placed on our glasses as a result of unkind words or behaviors from another person, and we believed what was said—whether it was true or not.
How can we change these false ideas about ourselves? First, it is helpful picture these glasses in your mind and consciously change the writing to something positive. Then, try to see the world through those new lenses.
As friends and neighbors, we also have the ability to influence others’ beliefs about themselves by the way we treat them. I am so thankful to all who have shown unconditional love to me over the years and helped me to change the writing on my glasses and who taught me that I am indeed lovable.
What would you like to have written on the lenses through which you view the world around you?
HURRY! “My Tears Fall Inside” unabridged Audio Book and MP3 CD are on sale at a 30% discount through TODAY, September 2, 2014. Audio Book: Reg. $30, only $20. MP3 CD: Reg. $25, only $17. Call me, or order from the “Buy Now” page of my website, www.shawnadraper.com
ONLY ONE MORE DAY! “My Tears Fall Inside” Audio Book and MP3 CD. 30% discount through September 2, 2014. HURRY! Audio Book: Reg. $30, only $20. MP3 CD: Reg. $25, only $17. Call me, or order from the “Buy Now” page of my website, www.shawnadraper.com