“‘I knew that although Dixie was home, that she really could NOT be there for me, and so it was very different to see her and not be able to tell her all my troubles, but it was okay with me, cuz I knew she needed to deal with other stuff. I could sense that things had changed since they had left. . . I felt they were good changes, but also felt confused and lost—not really knowing where I could belong’”.
“A few days later, I received an accidental phone call from Carla. She had dialed me by mistake, but we ended up speaking for an hour. She let me know that her mother would not be able to read any more of my therapy sessions; it would simply be too difficult for her, and that her mother was becoming more aware of what she was capable of. Carla told me that her mother would always love me, but that even as her biological child, Carla would often refrain from telling her mother things because they would be too difficult for Dixie to bear. I understood, and I got her message.
“I sensed that this new relationship with Dixie was healthy, but it made me feel anxious and confused. I told Audrey that it felt like something good was happening but it also felt like the umbilical cord was being cut and I was terrified. (My Tears Fall Inside, page 178-179)
Change was always very frightening for the insecure child parts within so I suffered from great anxiety at this time. Though the adult me, realized I had no control over other people’s choices and would just have to deal with whatever happened, little ones within did not have any perspective in the matter. What was going to happen?