“‘I guess I get worried about how much I’m hearing right—especially since it seems like Dixie will leave even though I was feeling like she wasn’t going to leave me yet—so I feel like I can’t trust myself. . . .’
“The answer from above:
“‘Only time will be able to reassure you about how you hear correctly. I have told you many times that you need to “wait and see”. I have also told you, “I will not leave you comfortless.” . . . You are important to Dixie. . .No matter where she is, you two will always love each other. This love will not go away.’
“Just the threat of my Dixie Mom leaving put some of my child parts into an anxious state. To these little ones, love meant pain and abandonment, so it was not surprising that around this time period, I was having difficulty again with the ‘L’ word (love). I was also having trouble with feeling safe with men, so even a male Heavenly Father seemed to be unsafe.
“Journal entry from November 3, 1993:
“‘Tonight at Dixie’s house, lots of very little ones who are 3 years old talked to Dixie. She is nice nice nice to them but they are very afraid of that “L” word. [Love] Also got very afraid of the Heavenly Father. It always made me get very scared and grab the top of my head every time Dixie said it—like I thought He was mad at me, but Dixie said He isn’t at all mad at me. I hope she is all the way right! Oh I also got side aches tonight, but that happens all the time.’
“On January 17, 1994, Guy and Dixie left to serve the Lord on a tiny Tongan island. Before leaving, however, their family came together to give them a big send-off. It was incredibly difficult for me to be there with Dixie's family at the going-away party because of the pain I was feeling.
“My child parts held a lot of emotion that was struggling to come out in a way that would make sense of what I was feeling.” (My Tears Fall Inside, pages 160-162)
In my next post I will share a poem that was written the day after Dixie left on her mission. It was the poem that expressed better than any other to that point, the reality of how parts felt.