“By June and July, my relief had turned to an increased anxiety. I came face to face with a rather interesting ‘double bind.’ My home situation felt more ‘safe’ without my husband there, thus my child parts felt freer to open up and express their horrors. What a two-edged sword! If I somehow felt more comfortable in my home, I must suffer the pain of child parts who took advantage of this safety to re-experience their traumas and to express themselves more freely. . .
“July 20, 1993 transcribed excerpts from a taped therapy session:
“. . . (Suddenly I sound like a young terrified child. My voice is high and scared.). . .
“I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid. (I start to sob.) I thought I was a strong person. I can’t do this! This is so hard for me. I don’t know what to do cuz I don’t know how to fix it.
“I want it to go away. (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.) It’s too hard. I can’t do it. I want to be a good person but I don’t know. . .
“It won’t stay away anymore. I don’t want it to come back. I don’t wanna be me. I don’t wanna do it. I can’t do it! I want to just die or go away! I’m tired. I’m tired of doing this. It’s so hard and so long and there’s so much and I don’t want to hurt so much anymore!!! (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing)
“It hurts so much! It feels like I just die inside—all the way through. It hurts so deep inside. Just pain!!! I hate to be me! . . . (Sobbing, sobbing, sobbing)
“I can’t face it! Why do I have to know so much pain!!! I don’t want it to be real! It feels like a drill drilling through me—all the way through my core. (Sobbing, sobbing)” (My Tears Fall Inside, page 149-151)
It is important to note that although the pain was often more than I felt I could bear, I did get through it, thanks to God and to the wonderful people He sent into my life to comfort me and nurture the many child parts within. There are happy endings. My life eventually became full of happiness and peace. If you are going through a painful time in your life, please know that trials don’t last forever—even though sometimes it feels that way. Life can and will get better for you!